Life

Fucking life. Get better. Be normal. Tired and stressed out. Angry with life and angry with myself. How to fix?? I don't know. Grrrrr.

Night.

I'm trucking along

Life goes on. It does. It's not always easy but it goes on. I realized I haven't written anything in awhile, so thought I should update. Lot's has been going on. I met with a bankruptcy trustee - bankruptcy seems to be my only option. I can make the bankruptcy payment each month as long as I budget carefully. It blows that I have to file for bankruptcy, never thought this is how my life would be at age 27 (almost 28 ack!), but there is a sense of relief knowing that I am finally going to deal with it. It will be nice to have the collection calls stop. Now I just have to get off my butt and make the follow up appointment to file. I love to procrastinate, it just feels so good haha.

I have cut down the fast food and drinking pop, it's been hard but worth it. Back in November (when I was really sick - I am sure this is when I seroconverted) I lost 17 pounds. I used that as motivation to try and lose weight and lost and additional 8 pounds. Then for the next few months that 8 pounds kept coming and going, and coming back again, and then going away again haha. Lately I have been trying harder and I have officially lost 30 pounds since November. In November I weighed 205 pounds, the other day I weighed myself and I am 175 - woot woot! I feel so much better, have more energy, clothes fit better, rarely have stomach pains. I've had fast food during this time but not as often and making better choices. Also I haven't had any Pepsi in the last two or three weeks - this is an amazing feat. I LOVE PEPSI! I love the way the bubbles dance on my tongue, the way the carbonation feels rough on my throat. The taste of Pepsi is like no other (boo Coke - Coke sucks!). I heart Pepsi but I had to say goodbye to him. He can no longer be my boyfriend. Maybe just a fuck buddy once in awhile.

I told my other close friends about my situation. I told them about the bankruptcy, being depressed and getting HIV. I also had to tell them that I couldn't go on a trip in June that we all planned to do, I felt extra guilty because they bought my plane ticket for my birthday, but I told them with the financial difficulties I couldn't afford the accommodation, renting a car, etc. I chickened out though and couldn't tell them in person, I e-mailed them. My other friend who I told right away said " at least they got an e-mail, you text messaged me haha". I wrote the e-mail at about four in the morning (I did this intentionally because I didn't want them to read it right away lol). It took me about an hour and half to write it and send it, most of the time I sat staring at the computer, my palms getting sweaty, me flopping around my bed like a dying seal debating, should I send it?. I would put my hand on the mouse, about to click the button, and then I would fling myself away from the computer (if you haven't figured out already, I am a bit dramatic haha). Finally at 530 am I sent the e-mail. Then panic mode set in. OH MY GOD! Did I do the right thing??? What if they don't want to be my friend anymore? What if they hate me or are angry with me? I laid in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about all the possible scenarios. It felt like hours before I fell asleep (I think it was only an hour haha). I woke up around noon and my first thought was - did they respond? I text messaged my friend who knew already and let her know I was freaking out. She kept reminding me that they love me and that it will be fine. I got dressed, ate breakfast - well lunch since it was afternoon (I am so not a morning person) went to work. My entire shift at work I kept checking my e-mail on my phone to see if they responded. Nothing! I sat there, thinking oh shit, they are not responding, they don't want to talk to me anymore. Then my friend reminded me that I just dropped a lot of information on them and they need to time to react and time to figure out how to respond. Around midnight I received my first response back from one of my friends ( I sent the e-mail to three of my friends). She stated that she loved me and that she was here for me, and she understood that if I didn't want to talk about it right away, we didn't have to. Then later on my other two friends responded, basically saying the same thing that they love me, they are here for me, that we can talk about it when I am ready, they felt bad that I was keeping this all in. They also said that not to worry about the trip that they would take care of everything, that they really wanted me there and that I had to come. I have the most amazing friends in the world! I can't believe I ever doubted them and thought they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. It is amazing what stress and emotions can do to a person. I am so thankful to have my friends in my life, they are like family to me. Next week we go on our trip, which I am looking forward to. I need a few days off from work and life, just need to go have a good time and enjoy life.

This Tuesday coming up I go and get my second set of blood work done, my followup appointment to get the results isn't until July 22nd, will suck having to wait that long. I hope my cd4 count went up and viral load down - I am hoping since I have lost weight, been eating healthier and exercising more that will help. It's going to be a long few days. On Monday I work 530 pm to 2am and then on Tuesday my appointment is at 930 am and then I work 1pm to 930 pm after the appointment. Then on Wednesday I am taking my friend to go get surgery (then on Thursday my flight is at 7am). She unfortunately found out she has cervical cancer and has to have surgery. (This is the friend who I told right away about having HIV). She has been very supportive to me so I am hoping to do the same for her. Unfortunately it has progressed to the point where they can't use lasers for the surgery, they have to cut out part of her cervix. I know she is freaking out (which I don't blame her, I would be too) but she is such a strong person, I know she will get through this. I know her family is there for her, I am there for her and her boyfriend is too. Last week my sister called me and told me that the doctor thinks that she might have MS. Then I found out that my baby nephew who is only 7 months old may have had a stroke or may have cerebral palsy (doctors aren't sure which one yet, they need to go to a specialist and have an MRI done). It's a lot to deal with, while I am trying to deal with my own crazy shit in my life, but I keep trying to remind myself that most people have crazy shit going on in their lives and it can always be worse, just got to play with what you been dealt.

I think I am all caught up now, I will try and update more often, so I don't have to write a novel each time haha.

Peace out for now :-)

Can't I just hide in my bed?

I just want to stay in bed, everyday, all day. I don't have the energy to deal with all this crap.

Let's take a step back and update what has been going on, since it has been a while since I have posted. I went to the Infectious Disease Specialist on March 31st. My blood tests weren't too bad. My CD4's are 450, normal levels are 500 - 1500. While mine are below the normal level, it isn't so low that I have to start HIV meds right away - yay! My viral load is 21000, which isn't great but isn't horrible as well. My uric acid levels came back a bit high - so I have to cut down on the red meat and booze - sadness - 2 of my favorite things haha.

The ID doctor was really nice. At first I thought, hmmm the appointment went really well, But then I had a few days to think about it. I realize the appointment was really quick - less than 30 minutes. He went over what HIV is, how it affects my health, that I will have to go for blood tests every three months, and that I don't need to go on medication right away. He asked me if I had any questions - my mind was blank - I was so nervous I couldn't remember what questions I had. I even wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.... but I forgot the paper with my questions in my car lol. He said okay see you in three months. The nurse came out and said okay, let's go get your hepatitis B shot done. While we are walking to the room, I ask "so do I make the appointment for my next blood tests right now?" She said "yeah if you want." I just wanted to get out of there so I said I would just call and make the appointment. During the appointment he asked me if he could send my family doctor a letter stating that I am HIV positive. I told him of course, it's important that he knows. Now that I mention that, I am thinking what things do I go to my family doctor for and what things should I go to my ID doctor for? Also during the appointment, when he was telling me I need to cut down on the red meat, I mentioned that I had been depressed lately and when I am depressed I eat a LOT of fast food. He said "you know McDonalds has salads right?" I wanted to be like "you know I could piss in your face right?" If if was that easy don't you think I would eat the fucking salad! And then I start thinking, ummm shouldn't you have maybe touched on the depression??? He didn't ask me how bad it was or if I needed help at all. Next appointment, I will remember my piece of paper with questions! And there will be many many questions. Also I realize I need to step up, grow a pair, and express what I need from him as my doctor. He's not a mind reader.

On to the next thing. So recently I was hanging out with a group of friends and our one friend was telling us about his crazy roommate and how he finally kicked him out. First I should mention this group of friends I was hanging out with do not know I have HIV. So my friend is talking about his ex-roommate and he mentions that he found out his roommate was HIV positive. It was hard for me not to react, hard for me not to give away my secret. I sat there, looking at everyone, palms getting sweating, heart racing, feeling like they know my secret, just because the word HIV has been spoken. My friend goes on to say that his mom bought him a new mattress because his ex-roommate had slept in his bed when he wasn't home sometimes and she didn't want him "getting" anything. The rage I felt. I calmly said "you know HIV isn't an airborne disease right?" They said, well obviously, but still. Then my other friend goes on to say "would you want to be living with someone who has HIV?" CRACK! my heart falls to pieces. I had to bite my inner lip so tears wouldn't come. I sat there staring at the roof, thinking, I guess I will never be telling her. It really hurts, because these are really close friends. I have a small group of friends all of them very close to me. I don't just have "acquaintances." I am so afraid I will lose them over this. All because of their ignorance, because they haven't been properly educated. A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with them, and my friend was talking about how her brother was telling their mom he eats a lot because he is depressed. His mom said " what are you talking about depressed, only women get depressed." My friends thought this was the most hilarious comment ever. The one friend who said "would you want to live with a person who has HIV?" said haha I love it, it's so true, men getting depressed, that's stupid. I've only known for a month and half that I am HIV positive.... it feels like I have known for a year.

I am very behind on my bills... verrrry. I have three credit cards that I am past due on - that amounts to many many collection calls a day. I never answer them, but it still stresses me out when they call. I know I should deal with it, I just can't. I just want to runaway and hide. Maybe grab a tent and go hide out in the woods somewhere. I would call to make payment arrangements - but I don't have the money to pay anything. I don't have any money because of an evil thing called overdraft. Being depressed is a vicious fucking circle. When I am depressed, I usually go online to hook up(which led to me having HIV), after I hook up I am even more depressed so I go and get fast food, also I would spend money on stupid things, going to the dollar store and buying things I don't need, buying underwear at Calvin Klein because it's on sale, buying clothes at H&M - doing all this to make myself feel better. Well I ended up using my overdraft to pay my car insurance, rent and car payment because I had spent my actual money on all this stupid crap. Well now I can't get caught up. Overdraft is exactly like getting a pay day loan. I can't catch up. My paycheck is automatically deposited so when it gets deposited it goes right to the overdraft. Since it all goes to the overdraft, then I end up having to use the overdraft again to pay bills, buy food, etc. I keep meaning to call to make an appointment to see a bankruptcy trustee, to see if they can setup payment arrangements or see if I will have to claim bankruptcy but even then - until I can get caught up from the overdraft I can't afford to make payments or even if I claim bankruptcy you have to make a payment every month for nine months based on your income - I can't afford this payment - I can't afford to claim bankruptcy - hahahahaha life is so fucked.

Work is another difficult thing. I work in a call center taking complaints for pizza. For freaking pizza. Someone doesn't get their dipping sauce - well they think it's perfectly acceptable to yell scream, swear and berate me. Can't get your ham diced? OMG your life is over. Since finding out I have HIV, my patience is very thin dealing with these fucktards! I just want to yell out - I found out I have a disease that can't be cured and your yelling at me about pepperoni!!! I have been very short with customers. I wish I could take a month off, try and get my life sorted out, but as we know I am poor so it's not like I can afford to take time off work.

I am very frustrated with life and very angry at myself for letting this happen.

I fail.

Life sucks - life costs too much money

Sooooo stressed with life right now. Of course finding out your HIV positive is not easy. My financial situation sucks balls right now (past due on my credit cards, collections calling). Teeth are bothering me: my bridge is loose and I haven't been able to chew on the right side of my mouth for two months now - can't afford to go to the dentist.

My car is a few thousand kilometers behind schedule for maintenance. I called to find out how much my next servicing would cost for my car, about $3oo. Apparently the next servicing is the big one, where they check everything - of course it is!

I was doing my taxes and I am going to owe between $400 - $500. WTF! Why the hell does everything take so much money.

My first appointment with the infectious disease specialist was supposed to be March 26th, but has been pushed back to March 31. I just want to get it over with. Nervous about my blood tests coming back. I can't stop thinking "what if I have to go on meds right away?" How the hell will I afford that?

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Told My Boss

A couple of days after I found out I have HIV, my boss at work asked me if I wanted to help out with some supervisor duties. Basically, just opening and closing two nights a week as a supervisor. I wouldn't manage a team of people or have the same responsibilities. I told her I wanted to think about it. I didn't tell her why I needed to think about it.

I was leaning towards saying no, thinking right now wouldn't be a good time as I have a lot going on in my life right now, but when I found out, I only have to do supervisor duties twice a week and not manage a team, I thought why not, it would be good distraction from all the complaint calls I take. Maybe for part of my day I wouldn't get yelled at because we don't dice our ham.

I started training today, and I decided to show up a half an hour early to talk to my boss. I decided I was going to tell her that I am having "health issues" and that if I do help out with supervisor duties I need to make sure I have a consistent schedule (they like to have your schedule all over the place) and that I may need some flexibility with doctors appointments. I went into her office and told her that on March 1st I got some bad news at the doctors. She said "what happened?" I was going to say "I am not ready to say what is going on" but instead out of no where it just came out "I have HIV."

I think I blurted it out knowing I could trust her. I used to work for this company seven years ago and I always had a good relationship with her. She told me for any scheduling needs to come to her, she is more than willing to be flexible with doctor's appointments and such. She told me "make sure you come to me, it's no one else's business." Then she said "I just want you to know, if you are ever having a tough time, you just need to vent and rant and not have someone say anything just have someone listen, you can come into my office anytime to do that." I had tears in my eyes.

Funny story of the day:

I am sitting with my co-workers and we are talking. I rub my eye because it's itchy and all of a sudden my eye lid flips. You know how people can flip there eye lid inside out? Well mine flipped inside in, if that makes sense. My eye lid somehow flipped and then my eye lashes were stabbing my eye ball. I started freaking out ( I have a thing with my eyes, eyes creep me out. I can't even put eye drops in, I have to keep my eye closed, put the eye drops on my eye and slowly blink them in) and was trying to put my phone on not available so a call wouldn't come in. My co-workers are laughing at me and I hear only you, this would only happen to you. I guess I should mention that I am known as the accident prone one (I once poked my eye with the headset). So I am trying to un-flip my eye lid but having issues because I am grossed out from the feeling and having to touch it. I finally un-flipped it and then my eye was itchy the rest of the night - I was too scared to rub it again.

I showed up for my appointment, yay!

So, I show up for my appointment. It probably helped that my good friend was coming with me for support. We met a half an hour before the appointment at a coffee shop.

I started the day, not wanting to get out of bed. I love sleep and I love my bed. I truly do. BUT, I got my ass out of bed at 11:30 am, I can't remember the last time I got out of bed before noon. Oh wait I remember, it was when I had a horrible experience at an employment agency and I was told I couldn't have the job because I had two late payments on my credit report... but that's a whole other story.

So, I got out of bed and had a shower. I then blow dried my hair and decided to flat iron my hair... I know, could I be any more gay! My flat iron is awesome! My friend bought it for me, she's a hair dresser, it's so tiny and cute. So anyways, after flat ironing my hair I realized I was behind schedule, so I didn't have time for breakfast.

I was two minutes late meeting my friend; I was late for good reason though, I parked 10 blocks away for free parking and walked all the way to meet her, it was a way to get exercise..... yes that's why I did it... exercise haha.

I ordered a caffee latte, I should mention I hate the taste of coffee. I was assuming it would be creamy like chai lattes I get, but oh no, I was wrong. Coffee to me, tastes like dirt. So I went to the counter to get sugar; well I almost put salt packets in my coffee, but thankfully the coffee gal working pointed me in the direction of the sugar. I put some sugar and milk in it... and then it tasted wonderful. Now I was all jittery from not eating and drinking coffee. My appointment was at the STD clinic... they have a doctors clinic there. To get to the reception desk, you have to walk down a long hallway. I like to call it the "walk of shame". One of these days, I really want to burst to in an exam room and say "how's that q-tip in your penis?".

So we get to the reception desk and the woman in the chair looks at me and then walks away. There are 6 other people and they are having a conversation. All I ask is to be acknowledged. Just a "hi, we will be right with you would suffice." But noooo that would be too simple. So anyways someone finally acknowledges me and tells me to have a seat.

S0 the doctor comes and gets me and we go to one of the rooms. She asks me if I have a list of my partners from January 2008, oops I thought they wanted from January 2009, not like it matters because I could only provide a list of three people. Unfortunately, most of my partners were anonymous that I either met offline or at a bathhouse. I'm not proud of it, I wish I would have had the ability to seek help for my depression, but I didn't. What's done is done. Need to look forward.

So then she asks me if I would like a book on HIV. I tell her yes I would . She hands me the book. This book is like a freaking text book! It has 22 chapters! Then I get on the bed thingy (I can't remember what it's called, I have had a couple of coconut rum and pepsi lime drinks while writing this... tee hee). She puts the rubber band around my right arm but can't find a vein. The she ties it around my left arm and finds a usable vein. While she is doing this I think about my appointment two weeks ago, when the nurse was trying to find my vein and kept calling my veins little buggers (best nurse ever by the way, I have never laughed so much at a doctors appointment). So anyways, she puts the needle in and jokes that I probably won't need a blood transfusion after. I ask her how many viles of blood she is taking and she tells me 11. I think to myself "shit, I should have had some breakfast." I am staring at the roof and the air vent catches my attention, it's effing crusty. It's all brown and dusty. What the hell?? It looks like someone took a shit on the roof.

Then she asks me what I do for a living. I tell her I work in a call center for a pizza company taking complaints. I go on about how people are passionate about their pizzas and that the world comes to an end when we forget their dipping sauce. She starts laughing and says she couldn't do my job, she would just end up telling people off. So finally she is done stealing all the blood out of my body. She leaves the room via the side door, and then come backs through another door. She says ha! I am houdini! I laugh, and think to myself, wow I am lucky that I have such awesome nurses/doctors to deal with. She tells me they take so much blood to test me for everything and anything such as tuberculosis and stuff. She hands me a form to go get chest x-rays taken, which also tests for tuberculosis.

A few thoughts go through my mind. First one is: this is what my life is going to be, constant medical test the rest of my life, fuck! Next I think thankfully I live in Canada and this is all covered by healthcare because right now I have no money (that is a whole other story I have to talk about).

So I leave the room and go to the waiting room where my friend is waiting for me. We leave and we go run some errands she has to do. We are at an office, she has some forms to fill out. I am standing beside her and start to feel light headed. I remember that I didn't eat breakfast and had 11 viles of blood taken, soooo maybe I should have something to eat. So when she is done, we head to the food court. This is the weakest food court I have ever seen. I am a food court connoisseur. I demand that I have selection! There is like 3 things to choose from. So I end up eating teriyaki chicken stir fry. It was good, but I still like to have options. I come home and take all my clean laundry off the floor and finally hang it up. I then watch the last half of hour of America's Next Top Model and realize why I stopped watching the show.... Tyra is freaking annoying!

Well that's my day, I know I rambled but it feels good to talk about what happened, to talk about the good, the bad and even the insignificant details of my day.

Tee hee. ( I love saying tee hee)

Didn't Go

So last night, I had it all planned I would wake up at 11 am and would go to the local HIV organization for counseling and information, welllll that didn't happen. I couldn't drag my ass out of bed. I noticed as I get more and more depressed, I sleep more and more. I just want to stay in the comfort and safety of my bed. I feel like nothing can go wrong if I don't leave my bed, just stay hidden under my covers. Eventually I got out of bed, but by the time I ate breakfast, I mean lunch, showered and got dressed and procrastinated to the best of my ability, it was too late to go as they close at 4pm.

Tomorrow is my first appointment with the infectious disease specialist. I'm nervous as hell, but thankfully my friend is going with me, so I know I will show up haha. I will post how things go at the doctors appointment.

I'm HIV Positive

On Monday March 1 @ 4:10 pm, I found out I am HIV Positive.

I am writing this blog to share my experiences and struggles with living with HIV, in the hopes it helps others and helps me in dealing with this life changing event.

When she told me the test came back positive for HIV, I didn't cry, I didn't freak out. I just said, okay. I was in a daze. I knew I had been having unprotected sex, I knew there was a good chance this could happen, but it still shocked me. I immediately thought, what did I do to myself.

While I am thinking to myself, the nurse is going on about how it's not a death sentence, I can lead a full life. Then she tells me I will need to provide a list of partners from January 2009 until now. I'm thinking to myself, oh fuck, each time I came to the clinic previously to get tested, I always lied about how many partners I had and if I knew them. She said in the list to try and provide their names and date of birth or at least there age. Thinking to myself, "date of birth? it will be difficult enough providing a name".

Then she handed me some pamphlets about HIV and one about a local HIV organization. Then she started making doctors appointments for me to see an infectious disease specialist. The first appointment is this Wednesday March 10th. During this appointment I am supposed to give them a list of my partners since January 2009; during this appointment I am going to have to tell them 99% of the time, it was anonymous and I don't know. They are also going to draw blood, to run tests to find out what my viral load is and cd4 tests. Viral load? CD4? Huh? I have been doing a lot of searching on the internet, some of it good, some of it freaking the hell out of me. Viral load is how much HIV is in your blood, it shows how rapidly the HIV is reproducing in the blood. CD4 are cells that direct the immune system but are also infected with HIV. These tests determine if and when an HIV positive person should start taking anti-viral medication.

So, she is talking about Viral load and CD4 and I am thinking what the hell is she talking about. She then asks me how I am feeling, I tell her that I have to go to work now. She is shocked and says "I can't believe you are going to work". Not like I have a choice, HIV doesn't prevent me from paying the bills. So I go to work and I am thinking work will be a good distraction, it will take my mind off things. WRONG!

I work in a call center for a pizza company. I work in the complaints department. This lady calls in angry because we don't have a record of her order. She is screaming at the top of her lungs about how she has been moving for three days and her kids are cranky, and her life sucks, and now her pizza hasn't been ordered. I keep telling her to please stop yelling and that I will be happy to retake the order and send it out with a discount. She is yelling at me saying " have you ever moved for 3 days?, have you?" I told her "yes I have, I have moved a lot in my life I know it's stressful". The next thing she says is "fuck you!!! I can't deal with this, and I hear the phone crash to the floor". Then her husband comes on the phone and says in a concerned tone "hello? what's going on?" I said " I can't deal with this! I am disconnecting this call!". Then I hang up. I am sitting there, thinking about how I was tempted to say to her "have you ever found out you have a disease that can't be cured, and then come to work and have to deal with crazy people like you?". Then I start laughing to myself; I am thinking about the husband and the look on his face. He is probably thinking WTF?, my wife is freaking out, the pizza guy is freaking out, it's just pizza.

Then I get another call, woman yelling at me, because the store won't dice the ham on her pizza. I apologize and agree with her it seems weird and ridiculous that the store won't take 30 seconds to dice ham but tell her it's out of my hands, I'm not in the store, I'm in a call center I can't force them to dice ham. She gets even madder and is using the F word every two seconds, yelling at me about how her three year old can't eat the full slices of ham. I snap and yell back " stop yelling at me!!! and then I hang up on her. Somehow I made it through the rest of my shift - it probably helped that the rest of the people that called were relatively sane, lol.

Today it has been one week since I found out I am HIV positive. I have cried a few times in the last week. It's a lot to deal with, I have a lot of anger towards myself, because I did this to myself. Thankfully I have an amazing friend I am able to confide in and who said where do "WE" go from here.

Tomorrow is my day off, I am trying to work up the courage to go the local HIV organization for counseling and to get more information and then my first doctors appointment is on Wednesday with the infectious disease specialist. I will write about how that goes.

So long for now :-)