Group Therapy Post # 2

It's Saturday, I am nervous heading to my doctor's appointment. My anxiety is through the roof. I hate talking about such personal issues. I hate admitting it's a problem. I want to give up. I walk into the doctor's office and check in for my appointment. I sit in the waiting room, staring at the ugly pale pink wall colour, thinking about what I should say. I am shaking my foot up and down trying to control the anxiety, it's not working. Jared, come to room two I hear. I walk into the room. The nurse asks me what I am hear for, I nervously say "depression" in a weak voice. She tells me it's okay, that it takes courage to come in and get help. She closes the door and I wait for the doctor.

I am staring at the poster on the wall, it has pictures of damaged ear drums. It's quite disgusting, it temporarily distracts me from my anxiety. My doctor walks in, he asks me how I am doing. I tell him horrible. I say to him "I feel depressed, I am stressed out and have constant anxiety." I tell him that one moment I can be super happy, very hyper and on top of the world. I will eat healthy, lose weight and be productive. Then the next moment I will hate life, eat really poorly and want to give up. It makes me feel like a crazy person. My doctor responds with "it sounds like you might have bipolar but I am not sure as that is not my area of expertise." "That is what I have been thinking as well, I have been reading up on it and I was wondering if I should see a psychiatrist" I said. He said that might be a good idea and advised me that there are Psychiatry walk in clinics at the U of A hospital and at the Royal Alex hospital. I also told him I can't go back to work, it's too stressful. My blood pressure has been through the roof. A couple of weeks earlier I was at the Endocrinologists office and they took my blood pressure and they were so concerned it was high, that they didn't want me to go back to work for the rest of the day. I asked him if I brought short term disability forms would he fill them out. He said yes. I asked him if he could write me a doctors note stating I need to be off work immediately.  I left the doctors appointment with my note and went straight home.

 As soon as I got home, I pulled out my Macbook and typed in Alberta Health Services in google. I went to the website and starting searching. A couple of hours later (it felt like a billion years later) I think I found what I needed. It was titled Psychiatric Treatment Clinic - U of A. It was the weekend so unfortunately they weren't open. As soon as Monday morning rolled around I gave them a call. They explained I would need to come in for an assessment. They do assessments at 830 am and 1230 pm daily. I went to work and told my manager I need to speak with her in private. We went to a meeting room and I told her I can't handle the stress anymore. I told her I also felt exhausted all the time because of my "chronic illness". She doesn't know that my chronic illness is HIV. I told her I have a doctor's note advising I need to be off work immediately. She told me she understood and hoped I felt better soon and asked me if I would be staying for the day. I said my doctor wants me off immediately but I will stay for a half a day to wrap things up. I went to my desk and wrote up instructions for a certain type of invoices that I am the only one that processes. I changed my voicemail to say I will be out of the office until further notice and put an out of office reply on my e-mail. I left work and felt relief I wouldn't have to be going back for a while. I went home and slept for twelve hours.

Group Therapy Post # 1

I've decided to write about my journey going through group therapy. Participating in group therapy was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was also the best thing I have ever done. I am going to chronicle my experience from when I decided I needed help, till now.


It's Thursday February 2nd 2012. I am at work, I am sitting at my desk, turned away from my computer. My phone is ringing, I am choosing to ignore it. It's another supplier calling to yell about not being paid. I have a window seat, I am staring out the window at the parking lot, fantasying about how I can escape. I imagine myself taking my chair and smashing it through the window. I am only on the second floor, the drop wouldn't be that bad. I would tuck and roll as I hit the ground. I would stand up and brush myself off and make a mad dash for my car. I would jump in my car and peel out of there, not looking back. I hate my job. Last July we transitioned to a new system, the new system wasn't ready, it's been hell ever since. I don't deal with stress well. It is now seven months later, the flood gates were opened, and we are still dealing with the aftermath. I hate life, I hate my job, I am depressed, stressed out, constant anxiety, I can't keep doing this anymore.

I grab my cell phone and go out to my car, I think about driving off but I realize that isn't rational. I call my doctor's office instead, asking them when the next available appointment is. They tell me this Saturday. "I'll take it I say." They ask me what I need to see the doctor for, I say "depression, stress and anxiety." Last May I went and saw my doctor about having depression and he put me on 50 mg a day of Zoloft. It helped in the beginning, a little bit, but not really. I just want to be happy. Fuck!

It's been quite awhile

Wow, I haven't written a post in over two years. It's been an intense two years, but I truly can say I am a better person. I've changed jobs a few times, went through a group therapy program and more. I've decided I will revive the blog. I was shocked to see how many people have viewed it.

After my last blog post, I quit writing because I felt that writing about having HIV was letting HIV define me as a person. I have realized that HIV doesn't define me as a person. Only I can define me. Yes, HIV is a part of me, but I don't have to let it make me who I am.

I will talk about having HIV in this blog but I will also talk about going through group therapy and my life in general. The group therapy has helped me realize, holding in my thoughts and feelings is unhealthy. I am entitled to my feelings and entitled to express them. I've spent most of my life punishing myself and I am finally realizing I don't deserved to be punished. I have been through a lot of traumatic events in my life. Everyday is a challenge but a challenge I now feel I can face. I hope by writing this blog it will be therapeutic for me and help others as well.

Life

Fucking life. Get better. Be normal. Tired and stressed out. Angry with life and angry with myself. How to fix?? I don't know. Grrrrr.

Night.

I'm trucking along

Life goes on. It does. It's not always easy but it goes on. I realized I haven't written anything in awhile, so thought I should update. Lot's has been going on. I met with a bankruptcy trustee - bankruptcy seems to be my only option. I can make the bankruptcy payment each month as long as I budget carefully. It blows that I have to file for bankruptcy, never thought this is how my life would be at age 27 (almost 28 ack!), but there is a sense of relief knowing that I am finally going to deal with it. It will be nice to have the collection calls stop. Now I just have to get off my butt and make the follow up appointment to file. I love to procrastinate, it just feels so good haha.

I have cut down the fast food and drinking pop, it's been hard but worth it. Back in November (when I was really sick - I am sure this is when I seroconverted) I lost 17 pounds. I used that as motivation to try and lose weight and lost and additional 8 pounds. Then for the next few months that 8 pounds kept coming and going, and coming back again, and then going away again haha. Lately I have been trying harder and I have officially lost 30 pounds since November. In November I weighed 205 pounds, the other day I weighed myself and I am 175 - woot woot! I feel so much better, have more energy, clothes fit better, rarely have stomach pains. I've had fast food during this time but not as often and making better choices. Also I haven't had any Pepsi in the last two or three weeks - this is an amazing feat. I LOVE PEPSI! I love the way the bubbles dance on my tongue, the way the carbonation feels rough on my throat. The taste of Pepsi is like no other (boo Coke - Coke sucks!). I heart Pepsi but I had to say goodbye to him. He can no longer be my boyfriend. Maybe just a fuck buddy once in awhile.

I told my other close friends about my situation. I told them about the bankruptcy, being depressed and getting HIV. I also had to tell them that I couldn't go on a trip in June that we all planned to do, I felt extra guilty because they bought my plane ticket for my birthday, but I told them with the financial difficulties I couldn't afford the accommodation, renting a car, etc. I chickened out though and couldn't tell them in person, I e-mailed them. My other friend who I told right away said " at least they got an e-mail, you text messaged me haha". I wrote the e-mail at about four in the morning (I did this intentionally because I didn't want them to read it right away lol). It took me about an hour and half to write it and send it, most of the time I sat staring at the computer, my palms getting sweaty, me flopping around my bed like a dying seal debating, should I send it?. I would put my hand on the mouse, about to click the button, and then I would fling myself away from the computer (if you haven't figured out already, I am a bit dramatic haha). Finally at 530 am I sent the e-mail. Then panic mode set in. OH MY GOD! Did I do the right thing??? What if they don't want to be my friend anymore? What if they hate me or are angry with me? I laid in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about all the possible scenarios. It felt like hours before I fell asleep (I think it was only an hour haha). I woke up around noon and my first thought was - did they respond? I text messaged my friend who knew already and let her know I was freaking out. She kept reminding me that they love me and that it will be fine. I got dressed, ate breakfast - well lunch since it was afternoon (I am so not a morning person) went to work. My entire shift at work I kept checking my e-mail on my phone to see if they responded. Nothing! I sat there, thinking oh shit, they are not responding, they don't want to talk to me anymore. Then my friend reminded me that I just dropped a lot of information on them and they need to time to react and time to figure out how to respond. Around midnight I received my first response back from one of my friends ( I sent the e-mail to three of my friends). She stated that she loved me and that she was here for me, and she understood that if I didn't want to talk about it right away, we didn't have to. Then later on my other two friends responded, basically saying the same thing that they love me, they are here for me, that we can talk about it when I am ready, they felt bad that I was keeping this all in. They also said that not to worry about the trip that they would take care of everything, that they really wanted me there and that I had to come. I have the most amazing friends in the world! I can't believe I ever doubted them and thought they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. It is amazing what stress and emotions can do to a person. I am so thankful to have my friends in my life, they are like family to me. Next week we go on our trip, which I am looking forward to. I need a few days off from work and life, just need to go have a good time and enjoy life.

This Tuesday coming up I go and get my second set of blood work done, my followup appointment to get the results isn't until July 22nd, will suck having to wait that long. I hope my cd4 count went up and viral load down - I am hoping since I have lost weight, been eating healthier and exercising more that will help. It's going to be a long few days. On Monday I work 530 pm to 2am and then on Tuesday my appointment is at 930 am and then I work 1pm to 930 pm after the appointment. Then on Wednesday I am taking my friend to go get surgery (then on Thursday my flight is at 7am). She unfortunately found out she has cervical cancer and has to have surgery. (This is the friend who I told right away about having HIV). She has been very supportive to me so I am hoping to do the same for her. Unfortunately it has progressed to the point where they can't use lasers for the surgery, they have to cut out part of her cervix. I know she is freaking out (which I don't blame her, I would be too) but she is such a strong person, I know she will get through this. I know her family is there for her, I am there for her and her boyfriend is too. Last week my sister called me and told me that the doctor thinks that she might have MS. Then I found out that my baby nephew who is only 7 months old may have had a stroke or may have cerebral palsy (doctors aren't sure which one yet, they need to go to a specialist and have an MRI done). It's a lot to deal with, while I am trying to deal with my own crazy shit in my life, but I keep trying to remind myself that most people have crazy shit going on in their lives and it can always be worse, just got to play with what you been dealt.

I think I am all caught up now, I will try and update more often, so I don't have to write a novel each time haha.

Peace out for now :-)

Can't I just hide in my bed?

I just want to stay in bed, everyday, all day. I don't have the energy to deal with all this crap.

Let's take a step back and update what has been going on, since it has been a while since I have posted. I went to the Infectious Disease Specialist on March 31st. My blood tests weren't too bad. My CD4's are 450, normal levels are 500 - 1500. While mine are below the normal level, it isn't so low that I have to start HIV meds right away - yay! My viral load is 21000, which isn't great but isn't horrible as well. My uric acid levels came back a bit high - so I have to cut down on the red meat and booze - sadness - 2 of my favorite things haha.

The ID doctor was really nice. At first I thought, hmmm the appointment went really well, But then I had a few days to think about it. I realize the appointment was really quick - less than 30 minutes. He went over what HIV is, how it affects my health, that I will have to go for blood tests every three months, and that I don't need to go on medication right away. He asked me if I had any questions - my mind was blank - I was so nervous I couldn't remember what questions I had. I even wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.... but I forgot the paper with my questions in my car lol. He said okay see you in three months. The nurse came out and said okay, let's go get your hepatitis B shot done. While we are walking to the room, I ask "so do I make the appointment for my next blood tests right now?" She said "yeah if you want." I just wanted to get out of there so I said I would just call and make the appointment. During the appointment he asked me if he could send my family doctor a letter stating that I am HIV positive. I told him of course, it's important that he knows. Now that I mention that, I am thinking what things do I go to my family doctor for and what things should I go to my ID doctor for? Also during the appointment, when he was telling me I need to cut down on the red meat, I mentioned that I had been depressed lately and when I am depressed I eat a LOT of fast food. He said "you know McDonalds has salads right?" I wanted to be like "you know I could piss in your face right?" If if was that easy don't you think I would eat the fucking salad! And then I start thinking, ummm shouldn't you have maybe touched on the depression??? He didn't ask me how bad it was or if I needed help at all. Next appointment, I will remember my piece of paper with questions! And there will be many many questions. Also I realize I need to step up, grow a pair, and express what I need from him as my doctor. He's not a mind reader.

On to the next thing. So recently I was hanging out with a group of friends and our one friend was telling us about his crazy roommate and how he finally kicked him out. First I should mention this group of friends I was hanging out with do not know I have HIV. So my friend is talking about his ex-roommate and he mentions that he found out his roommate was HIV positive. It was hard for me not to react, hard for me not to give away my secret. I sat there, looking at everyone, palms getting sweating, heart racing, feeling like they know my secret, just because the word HIV has been spoken. My friend goes on to say that his mom bought him a new mattress because his ex-roommate had slept in his bed when he wasn't home sometimes and she didn't want him "getting" anything. The rage I felt. I calmly said "you know HIV isn't an airborne disease right?" They said, well obviously, but still. Then my other friend goes on to say "would you want to be living with someone who has HIV?" CRACK! my heart falls to pieces. I had to bite my inner lip so tears wouldn't come. I sat there staring at the roof, thinking, I guess I will never be telling her. It really hurts, because these are really close friends. I have a small group of friends all of them very close to me. I don't just have "acquaintances." I am so afraid I will lose them over this. All because of their ignorance, because they haven't been properly educated. A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with them, and my friend was talking about how her brother was telling their mom he eats a lot because he is depressed. His mom said " what are you talking about depressed, only women get depressed." My friends thought this was the most hilarious comment ever. The one friend who said "would you want to live with a person who has HIV?" said haha I love it, it's so true, men getting depressed, that's stupid. I've only known for a month and half that I am HIV positive.... it feels like I have known for a year.

I am very behind on my bills... verrrry. I have three credit cards that I am past due on - that amounts to many many collection calls a day. I never answer them, but it still stresses me out when they call. I know I should deal with it, I just can't. I just want to runaway and hide. Maybe grab a tent and go hide out in the woods somewhere. I would call to make payment arrangements - but I don't have the money to pay anything. I don't have any money because of an evil thing called overdraft. Being depressed is a vicious fucking circle. When I am depressed, I usually go online to hook up(which led to me having HIV), after I hook up I am even more depressed so I go and get fast food, also I would spend money on stupid things, going to the dollar store and buying things I don't need, buying underwear at Calvin Klein because it's on sale, buying clothes at H&M - doing all this to make myself feel better. Well I ended up using my overdraft to pay my car insurance, rent and car payment because I had spent my actual money on all this stupid crap. Well now I can't get caught up. Overdraft is exactly like getting a pay day loan. I can't catch up. My paycheck is automatically deposited so when it gets deposited it goes right to the overdraft. Since it all goes to the overdraft, then I end up having to use the overdraft again to pay bills, buy food, etc. I keep meaning to call to make an appointment to see a bankruptcy trustee, to see if they can setup payment arrangements or see if I will have to claim bankruptcy but even then - until I can get caught up from the overdraft I can't afford to make payments or even if I claim bankruptcy you have to make a payment every month for nine months based on your income - I can't afford this payment - I can't afford to claim bankruptcy - hahahahaha life is so fucked.

Work is another difficult thing. I work in a call center taking complaints for pizza. For freaking pizza. Someone doesn't get their dipping sauce - well they think it's perfectly acceptable to yell scream, swear and berate me. Can't get your ham diced? OMG your life is over. Since finding out I have HIV, my patience is very thin dealing with these fucktards! I just want to yell out - I found out I have a disease that can't be cured and your yelling at me about pepperoni!!! I have been very short with customers. I wish I could take a month off, try and get my life sorted out, but as we know I am poor so it's not like I can afford to take time off work.

I am very frustrated with life and very angry at myself for letting this happen.

I fail.

Life sucks - life costs too much money

Sooooo stressed with life right now. Of course finding out your HIV positive is not easy. My financial situation sucks balls right now (past due on my credit cards, collections calling). Teeth are bothering me: my bridge is loose and I haven't been able to chew on the right side of my mouth for two months now - can't afford to go to the dentist.

My car is a few thousand kilometers behind schedule for maintenance. I called to find out how much my next servicing would cost for my car, about $3oo. Apparently the next servicing is the big one, where they check everything - of course it is!

I was doing my taxes and I am going to owe between $400 - $500. WTF! Why the hell does everything take so much money.

My first appointment with the infectious disease specialist was supposed to be March 26th, but has been pushed back to March 31. I just want to get it over with. Nervous about my blood tests coming back. I can't stop thinking "what if I have to go on meds right away?" How the hell will I afford that?

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa