Stuck in Between - I'm a Large and a Half

I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm sad. I am tired of being rejected. Whether it be trying to meet people for dating or getting laid, I get rejected...all the freaking time! I've been told, "sorry I'm only into white dudes." I understand that people have preferences, but when I look at myself in a mirror and see a white dude looking back, I wonder, what the hell is wrong with you. Then I will hear "sorry I'm only into fit guys" but then the next guy says to me "sorry I only like bigger guys." Is there no in-between category? Is there any in between sized lovers out there? Then I get told "I'm only into young guys" and then I hear "sorry I'm into older guys only." Is there no one that likes a guy in his early 30's? Next

I hear "sorry I'm into masculine guys only" and then I'm told "sorry I'm into a more feminine guy." Should I tell them about the time, when MSN Messenger still existed, that a guy said to me "is that your sister in that picture, she's really pretty." I responded with "that's me." The guy messaged back "oh, well you look nice, oh phone call, gotta go." It's like when I go shopping and try on clothes, a large doesn't fit but an extra large is way too big. I am always stuck in the middle!

When I do finally find a dude that is into a guy that's in-between all the preferences, a guy that is into a large and a half, I then have to tell them about being HIV Positive. So, I have passed the first 20 damn hurdles, received some scrapes and bruises along the way and now it's time for the pole vault and I have to vault over 20 feet to get over the next one.

If one more guy asks me if I am "clean" I am going to lose my shit. I have started responding with "yes I am clean, I have a shower every day and make sure to clean my ass before sex, now if your wondering if I am HIV Positive, the answer is yes. I am on medications and my viral load is undetectable, if you are unsure what that means, please feel free to ask questions. All I ask, is you stop asking if someone is "clean", just because I have HIV, it doesn't make me dirty."

I feel my response works two-fold, one I get to provide the sarcastic response which satisfies my bitterness and immaturity, but then I also try to educate them. I understand I am probably negating the education part by having the sarcastic response, but frankly I don't care it feels good, ha! I sometimes mention to them, that being with a guy who is honest and open about being HIV Positive and is on medications and their viral load is undetectable and you use a condom, you are going to be just safe or even safer. With someone who says they are HIV Negative, unless they are providing you a very recent copy of their test results and you can verify their id against the information on the test results, you have no way of knowing if they are telling the truth. Sadly, most of the time, they respond with sorry I just can't do it with a Poz guy.

I recently downloaded Tinder, big mistake. I quickly deleted it after a guy messaged me and said "you should be like that Subway guy Jared and eat at Subway so you can lose weight." I was on Match.com for a while and had no success. I don't know where to meet people, it is very frustrating. At this point, I have been kicked so many times, that I am starting to give up. Just resigning myself to the fact that I probably won't ever be in a romantic relationship or even get laid. Fuck.

Doctor's Appointment Today

I had my Doctor's appointment today. Tests results for the Exercise Stress Test and Sleep Apnea Test Came back. Exercise Stress Test: negative. Sleep Apnea Test: negative. The Sleep Apnea Test Results said I had mild difficulty breathing while sleeping but not enough to have obstructive sleep apnea. I told my doctor that's probably because I sleep on my stomach with my face jammed in the pillow haha. He just gave me a side eye look. One day I will make him laugh, one day. So I still don't know what is causing my extreme exhaustion and shortness of breath. He is going to send me for a Pulmonary test and a CT Angiogram.

It's really frustrating because I finished my group therapy program in September and was ready to move on with my life. I have been taking Celexa for depression; between the group therapy and the Celexa my mood has been great. I want to feel healthy and be functional. Just have to keep trucking along. If it wasn't for the group therapy, I probably wouldn't be advocating for my health like I have been. I have been going to the doctor regularly for the past three months, trying to figure this out. Hopefully we will figure this out soon,I really don't like sleeping my life away.

Maybe it's MS... I don't know

I have been feeling extremely frustrated lately. I know I previously wrote about the weird symptoms I have been having, but I feel like I need to write about it again because I am feeling angry and frustrated. Starting in September I started having issues with fatigue. It is so bad now, I feel like I am sleeping my life away. I sleep 4-6 hours in the afternoon and then I have no problem sleeping my normal 7-8 hours a night. I become short of breath easily and feel exhausted doing something as simple as laundry.

In October, I woke up one morning and had numbness on the left side of my face and my left arm felt slightly weak. I went to work and got off at noon. I went to Arby's and I was sitting in a booth eating my food. All of a sudden my hands wouldn't do what I wanted them to do. I was trying so hard to pick up the sandwich. I couldn't pick up the sandwich. I was trying not to cry, I didn't understand what was happening. I finally sort of picked up the sandwich, I tried to bite it but my mouth wouldn't work, I could barely bite and chew. All of a sudden my hands and mouth were working but then I felt really dizzy, nauseated and out of it. I drove home and walked in the door. My roommate looked at me and asked what was wrong. I knew what I wanted to say but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. I finally spit out my brain isn't working. My roommate looks at me concerned and says what happened. I try to tell her about the Arby's incident and my hands not working. My speech is slurred and I am struggling to find words and talking slow. My roommate says I think your having a stroke, I'm taking you to the hospital. They kept me in the hospital overnight for observation. They did an MRI and CT scan and I didn't have a stroke. They did a whole bunch of blood tests - everything is normal. The Senior Neurologist says your probably having a Migraine with Aura. I say but I am not having headaches. She tells me that can happen. She tells me to go back if the symptoms don't go away or if they get worse. Two days later I go back because the numbness has spread into my ears, scalp and left side of my neck and the nausea is really bad. The doctor gives me an anti-nauseant and migraine medications through an IV. The symptoms get better, I just have a little numbness in the left side of my face. He gives me a prescription and sends me on my way. I'm driving home and the numbness comes back with a vengeance. It's in my jaw, I can barely move my mouth. Fuck the medications made it worse. I am angry and go home to bed. The next day I get up and I decide to fill the prescription, hoping it will help. I take the medications for a few days and it just makes things worse. I stop taking them. I meet with my family doctor, tell him what happened and he prescribes me Flunarizine a migraine medication they use when other medications don't work. I take it for two weeks - it doesn't help at all. He tells me to stop taking the medication. At my last appointment, this past Tuesday I tell him I really don't think this is a Migraine with Aura - I am not having headaches and this is going on almost 2 months now. I tell him my hands keep tensing/seizing up, I am finding it really difficult to do simple tasks like remove a paperclip or button up a shirt. I tell him my left leg keeps tightening up / moving.  He looks at me and says I'm sorry I don't know what this is. I ask him should you refer me to a neurologist? He says honestly, not right now, you just had an MRI and CT scan they won't do another one until it's been at least three months since the last one. He tells me to rest. That's all I do is rest!! All I do is sleep! I am so angry!

I ask him about the tests we did to figure out why I am so fatigued and short of breath. He checks my results for the Exercise Stress Test and Sleep Apnea test aren't in. I have an appointment next Tuesday to follow up for that. He told me if the Exercise Stress Test comes back normal, he will send me for a breathing test to see if I have asthma.

The reason I am angry is it feels like he is just giving up. I realize there is only so much he can do, and he is trying his best. But at the same time, it does not feel reasonable to say to me "just rest". The symptoms are affecting my quality of life. I keep freaking out that I have MS. Whenever I research my symptoms MS comes up. My hand's keep seizing/tightening up, same with my left leg. I have dizzy spells, heat makes my symptoms worse. I was in a hot tub with my friend and the numbness started spreading and my entire body went extremely weak. I have never had an issue with hot tubs before. Same thing happens if I have a bath. I find it difficult to concentrate and my memory has been crappy. Quite a few times when I go to speak I have difficult saying my words - comes out all garbled. I know symptoms can be similar for several diseases. I am just so desperate to figure out what this is. Not knowing has been worse than dealing with having hiv. Hopefully I will figure this out soon. Thanks for listening to me rant.

Health Update - Fake stroke and falling asleep while pooping

I had my latest appointment with my HIV specialist a couple of weeks ago. CD4 cells were 640 and my viral load is still undetectable. YAY! I was on Atripla for over a year, but I couldn't handle the side effects anymore. I kept having such vivid, intense dreams every night it felt like I wasn't sleeping at all. In August I told my doctor and we switched my meds to Truvada, Reyataz and Norvir. I haven't been having crazy dreams and my sleeping has been much much better. Going through group therapy made me realize, I need to learn to speak up. Just because I have HIV doesn't mean I don't deserve to have a good quality of life. I've spent a lot of time feeling guilty for contracting HIV and group therapy has helped me learn how to forgive myself.

In other health matters, things have not been going so well. Starting in September I started having fatigue. I assumed that it was from being in group therapy four hours a day and once I was done I would start feeling better. I finished group therapy at the end of September and the fatigue has been getting worse and worse. I am extremely exhausted every single day. Thankfully I am still on medical leave from being in the group therapy, so I am only working 4 hours a day. I work from 8 am to 12 pm and it feels like I worked a sixteen hour shift. I go home and nap for 4-5 hours and then I have no problem sleeping my regular 7-8 hours a night.

Everything I do makes me tired and short of breath. Walking to the basement to do laundry, makes me tired and short of breath. It's ridiculous. A couple of weeks ago I shovelled the side walks and thought I was going to die I was so tired and out of breath. I went in the house (I can't believe I am going to share this) and had to go to the washroom. I was sitting on the toilet and...... I fell asleep! Yup that is correct, I fell asleep while pooping. WTF?! Who falls asleep while pooping? Not normal. I told my doctor about all this and his response was that it was probably my depression that was making me so tired. He suggested I go back on an anti-depressant. I told him I wasn't feeling depressed, I told him that I don't feel sad and I'm not withdrawing from friends and family. He said to just give the anti-depressant a try. I filled the prescription for the Celexa and after a few weeks, I let him know my mood was really great on the Celexa but I was still feeling exhausted and sleeping a lot. (My friends said I seemed so cute, happy and jolly - tee hee) I had also been to the hospital in that time because I was having troubles breathing and having chest pains.

The hospital ran a lot of blood tests, checked my thyroid, checked for infections, all came back normal. They took a stool sample (the highlight of that was when the nurse yelled down the hall to me - while I was waiting to get my chest x-ray) - she yelled "Jared is this your stool sample in here?" Yup, thanks for letting everyone know, I crapped into a container. All the tests and chest x-ray came back normal, they sent me home. Most recently my doctor sent me for a sleep apnea test and stress test. I have an appointment with him on Tuesday to review the results.

Then I have been having weird, creepy stroke symptoms. A few weeks ago I woke up and I had this weird numbness on the left side of my face and my left arm felt a little weak. I went to work and joked with my co-worker that I was probably having a stroke. After work I went to Arby's, I'm sitting there eating my sandwich and my hands won't work. I am trying to pick up the sandwich, I know how to pick up a sandwich, but my hands just won't do what I want them to do. I am freaking out, trying not to cry. After a couple of minutes I finally manage to get the sandwich into my hands,  but my mouth won't work. I am trying to bite and chew but my brain says nope, not today! The food just falls out of my mouth. After a couple of minutes my hands and mouth start working again but now I feel dizzy and really out of it. I keep thinking to myself, I need to get home, need to get home. I get up and drive home. Thankfully I made it home safely. I walk in the door and my roommate (my friend of eleven years), can instantly tell somethings wrong. She looks at me and says "what's wrong." I'm trying to respond but I can't find the words, all I can get out is "my brain won't work." "Umm what happened" she responds. I try to tell her about the Arby's incident, later she tells me I was talking really slow and slurring some of my words. I tell her about my hand's and mouth not working, she says "umm I think your having a stroke, I am taking you to the hospital."

Off to the hospital we go. I had to wait an hour to get in, which is extremely fast compared to the time I had appendicitis and had to wait seven hours to be seen. The triage nurse is asking me questions, it's taking me forever to respond. She asks me to spell my name and I just stare at her blankly. I get brought in and they do some neurological tests. My left arm, hand and left leg are considerably weaker than my right side, which worries them. They shine light in my eyes and I want to punch them in the face it hurts so much. The week before when I was in the hospital, they put the light in my eyes and I didn't even flinch. They give me two chewable advils and tell me they are going to send me for a CT scan. I see the head doctor in the distance, my he is good looking. I am wheeled to the CT scan and the CT technologist is also quite good looking. I think to myself, is this Grey's Anatomy? They complete the CT scan of my head and send me back. The guy taking me back is very cute. Do they schedule all the good looking people to work at the same time? Or is my stroke making everyone seem good looking? Who knows. My friend and I wait and wait and finally the neurologist comes.

CT scan came back normal, which is good but a CT scan won't always show if there is a stroke. They want to do an MRI but can't do one till morning, so I was admitted and had to stay overnight for observation. The next morning I have my MRI. Oh my lord, the MRI machine is loud. It sounds like someone is doing construction right next to your head. Is this machine from 1935? After thirty minutes the MRI is finally down. Back up to my room I go. The head neurologist comes up and says my MRI has come back normal. Definitely not a stroke. She says they think my symptoms are being caused by a migraine with aura. I respond with "but I don't have a headache." She tells me that can happen sometimes. I look at her skeptically. She asks me how the numbness is and I tell her it's still there but not as bad as the day before. She said that's good, that they are going to send me home. She tells me if it doesn't go away in a couple of days or get's worse to come back to the ER.

Well two days later it's worse. My hand keeps seizing/locking up, the numbess is in the left side of my neck, my ears, and the back of my head. I am nauseated off an on. I go back to the ER, wait three hours to be seen. The doctor says they are going to give me some migraine medications via IV and an anti-nauseant via the IV. I get my IV, I get my meds and the numbess starts going away. Yay, maybe it is just a creepy migraine with aura with no headache I am having. The doctor writes me a prescription and I leave. WELL! I am driving home and the numbess comes back with a vengance. It goes from my left temple, my left ear and to the bottom of my jaw. I am angry and refuse to go back to the hospital. I go home and go to bed. The next day, I decide to fill the prescription, maybe it just needs a few days to work. NOPE! Medication was definitely making it worse. I stopped the medication and went to my family doctor. I told him what happened and he looked at me with a WTF look. He prescribes me a different migraine medication - Flunarizine. I fill that medication and start taking it. I have been on it for two weeks now and no improvement. On the plus side it hasn't made things worse. If this truly is a migraine with aura with no headache, is it then the longest migraine ever? This past Friday my symptoms were really bad. Numbness on the side of my face, my left hand kept seizing/locking up, especially when I had to do things at work like remove a paper clip. It's been extremely frustrating and scary. Whenever I google/research my symptoms, MS always comes up. Whatever it is, I hope we figure it out soon and hope it's treatable.

Group Therapy Post # 2

It's Saturday, I am nervous heading to my doctor's appointment. My anxiety is through the roof. I hate talking about such personal issues. I hate admitting it's a problem. I want to give up. I walk into the doctor's office and check in for my appointment. I sit in the waiting room, staring at the ugly pale pink wall colour, thinking about what I should say. I am shaking my foot up and down trying to control the anxiety, it's not working. Jared, come to room two I hear. I walk into the room. The nurse asks me what I am hear for, I nervously say "depression" in a weak voice. She tells me it's okay, that it takes courage to come in and get help. She closes the door and I wait for the doctor.

I am staring at the poster on the wall, it has pictures of damaged ear drums. It's quite disgusting, it temporarily distracts me from my anxiety. My doctor walks in, he asks me how I am doing. I tell him horrible. I say to him "I feel depressed, I am stressed out and have constant anxiety." I tell him that one moment I can be super happy, very hyper and on top of the world. I will eat healthy, lose weight and be productive. Then the next moment I will hate life, eat really poorly and want to give up. It makes me feel like a crazy person. My doctor responds with "it sounds like you might have bipolar but I am not sure as that is not my area of expertise." "That is what I have been thinking as well, I have been reading up on it and I was wondering if I should see a psychiatrist" I said. He said that might be a good idea and advised me that there are Psychiatry walk in clinics at the U of A hospital and at the Royal Alex hospital. I also told him I can't go back to work, it's too stressful. My blood pressure has been through the roof. A couple of weeks earlier I was at the Endocrinologists office and they took my blood pressure and they were so concerned it was high, that they didn't want me to go back to work for the rest of the day. I asked him if I brought short term disability forms would he fill them out. He said yes. I asked him if he could write me a doctors note stating I need to be off work immediately.  I left the doctors appointment with my note and went straight home.

 As soon as I got home, I pulled out my Macbook and typed in Alberta Health Services in google. I went to the website and starting searching. A couple of hours later (it felt like a billion years later) I think I found what I needed. It was titled Psychiatric Treatment Clinic - U of A. It was the weekend so unfortunately they weren't open. As soon as Monday morning rolled around I gave them a call. They explained I would need to come in for an assessment. They do assessments at 830 am and 1230 pm daily. I went to work and told my manager I need to speak with her in private. We went to a meeting room and I told her I can't handle the stress anymore. I told her I also felt exhausted all the time because of my "chronic illness". She doesn't know that my chronic illness is HIV. I told her I have a doctor's note advising I need to be off work immediately. She told me she understood and hoped I felt better soon and asked me if I would be staying for the day. I said my doctor wants me off immediately but I will stay for a half a day to wrap things up. I went to my desk and wrote up instructions for a certain type of invoices that I am the only one that processes. I changed my voicemail to say I will be out of the office until further notice and put an out of office reply on my e-mail. I left work and felt relief I wouldn't have to be going back for a while. I went home and slept for twelve hours.

Group Therapy Post # 1

I've decided to write about my journey going through group therapy. Participating in group therapy was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was also the best thing I have ever done. I am going to chronicle my experience from when I decided I needed help, till now.


It's Thursday February 2nd 2012. I am at work, I am sitting at my desk, turned away from my computer. My phone is ringing, I am choosing to ignore it. It's another supplier calling to yell about not being paid. I have a window seat, I am staring out the window at the parking lot, fantasying about how I can escape. I imagine myself taking my chair and smashing it through the window. I am only on the second floor, the drop wouldn't be that bad. I would tuck and roll as I hit the ground. I would stand up and brush myself off and make a mad dash for my car. I would jump in my car and peel out of there, not looking back. I hate my job. Last July we transitioned to a new system, the new system wasn't ready, it's been hell ever since. I don't deal with stress well. It is now seven months later, the flood gates were opened, and we are still dealing with the aftermath. I hate life, I hate my job, I am depressed, stressed out, constant anxiety, I can't keep doing this anymore.

I grab my cell phone and go out to my car, I think about driving off but I realize that isn't rational. I call my doctor's office instead, asking them when the next available appointment is. They tell me this Saturday. "I'll take it I say." They ask me what I need to see the doctor for, I say "depression, stress and anxiety." Last May I went and saw my doctor about having depression and he put me on 50 mg a day of Zoloft. It helped in the beginning, a little bit, but not really. I just want to be happy. Fuck!

Can't I just hide in my bed?

I just want to stay in bed, everyday, all day. I don't have the energy to deal with all this crap.

Let's take a step back and update what has been going on, since it has been a while since I have posted. I went to the Infectious Disease Specialist on March 31st. My blood tests weren't too bad. My CD4's are 450, normal levels are 500 - 1500. While mine are below the normal level, it isn't so low that I have to start HIV meds right away - yay! My viral load is 21000, which isn't great but isn't horrible as well. My uric acid levels came back a bit high - so I have to cut down on the red meat and booze - sadness - 2 of my favorite things haha.

The ID doctor was really nice. At first I thought, hmmm the appointment went really well, But then I had a few days to think about it. I realize the appointment was really quick - less than 30 minutes. He went over what HIV is, how it affects my health, that I will have to go for blood tests every three months, and that I don't need to go on medication right away. He asked me if I had any questions - my mind was blank - I was so nervous I couldn't remember what questions I had. I even wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.... but I forgot the paper with my questions in my car lol. He said okay see you in three months. The nurse came out and said okay, let's go get your hepatitis B shot done. While we are walking to the room, I ask "so do I make the appointment for my next blood tests right now?" She said "yeah if you want." I just wanted to get out of there so I said I would just call and make the appointment. During the appointment he asked me if he could send my family doctor a letter stating that I am HIV positive. I told him of course, it's important that he knows. Now that I mention that, I am thinking what things do I go to my family doctor for and what things should I go to my ID doctor for? Also during the appointment, when he was telling me I need to cut down on the red meat, I mentioned that I had been depressed lately and when I am depressed I eat a LOT of fast food. He said "you know McDonalds has salads right?" I wanted to be like "you know I could piss in your face right?" If if was that easy don't you think I would eat the fucking salad! And then I start thinking, ummm shouldn't you have maybe touched on the depression??? He didn't ask me how bad it was or if I needed help at all. Next appointment, I will remember my piece of paper with questions! And there will be many many questions. Also I realize I need to step up, grow a pair, and express what I need from him as my doctor. He's not a mind reader.

On to the next thing. So recently I was hanging out with a group of friends and our one friend was telling us about his crazy roommate and how he finally kicked him out. First I should mention this group of friends I was hanging out with do not know I have HIV. So my friend is talking about his ex-roommate and he mentions that he found out his roommate was HIV positive. It was hard for me not to react, hard for me not to give away my secret. I sat there, looking at everyone, palms getting sweating, heart racing, feeling like they know my secret, just because the word HIV has been spoken. My friend goes on to say that his mom bought him a new mattress because his ex-roommate had slept in his bed when he wasn't home sometimes and she didn't want him "getting" anything. The rage I felt. I calmly said "you know HIV isn't an airborne disease right?" They said, well obviously, but still. Then my other friend goes on to say "would you want to be living with someone who has HIV?" CRACK! my heart falls to pieces. I had to bite my inner lip so tears wouldn't come. I sat there staring at the roof, thinking, I guess I will never be telling her. It really hurts, because these are really close friends. I have a small group of friends all of them very close to me. I don't just have "acquaintances." I am so afraid I will lose them over this. All because of their ignorance, because they haven't been properly educated. A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with them, and my friend was talking about how her brother was telling their mom he eats a lot because he is depressed. His mom said " what are you talking about depressed, only women get depressed." My friends thought this was the most hilarious comment ever. The one friend who said "would you want to live with a person who has HIV?" said haha I love it, it's so true, men getting depressed, that's stupid. I've only known for a month and half that I am HIV positive.... it feels like I have known for a year.

I am very behind on my bills... verrrry. I have three credit cards that I am past due on - that amounts to many many collection calls a day. I never answer them, but it still stresses me out when they call. I know I should deal with it, I just can't. I just want to runaway and hide. Maybe grab a tent and go hide out in the woods somewhere. I would call to make payment arrangements - but I don't have the money to pay anything. I don't have any money because of an evil thing called overdraft. Being depressed is a vicious fucking circle. When I am depressed, I usually go online to hook up(which led to me having HIV), after I hook up I am even more depressed so I go and get fast food, also I would spend money on stupid things, going to the dollar store and buying things I don't need, buying underwear at Calvin Klein because it's on sale, buying clothes at H&M - doing all this to make myself feel better. Well I ended up using my overdraft to pay my car insurance, rent and car payment because I had spent my actual money on all this stupid crap. Well now I can't get caught up. Overdraft is exactly like getting a pay day loan. I can't catch up. My paycheck is automatically deposited so when it gets deposited it goes right to the overdraft. Since it all goes to the overdraft, then I end up having to use the overdraft again to pay bills, buy food, etc. I keep meaning to call to make an appointment to see a bankruptcy trustee, to see if they can setup payment arrangements or see if I will have to claim bankruptcy but even then - until I can get caught up from the overdraft I can't afford to make payments or even if I claim bankruptcy you have to make a payment every month for nine months based on your income - I can't afford this payment - I can't afford to claim bankruptcy - hahahahaha life is so fucked.

Work is another difficult thing. I work in a call center taking complaints for pizza. For freaking pizza. Someone doesn't get their dipping sauce - well they think it's perfectly acceptable to yell scream, swear and berate me. Can't get your ham diced? OMG your life is over. Since finding out I have HIV, my patience is very thin dealing with these fucktards! I just want to yell out - I found out I have a disease that can't be cured and your yelling at me about pepperoni!!! I have been very short with customers. I wish I could take a month off, try and get my life sorted out, but as we know I am poor so it's not like I can afford to take time off work.

I am very frustrated with life and very angry at myself for letting this happen.

I fail.