Friday, November 30, 2012

Group Therapy Post # 2

It's Saturday, I am nervous heading to my doctor's appointment. My anxiety is through the roof. I hate talking about such personal issues. I hate admitting it's a problem. I want to give up. I walk into the doctor's office and check in for my appointment. I sit in the waiting room, staring at the ugly pale pink wall colour, thinking about what I should say. I am shaking my foot up and down trying to control the anxiety, it's not working. Jared, come to room two I hear. I walk into the room. The nurse asks me what I am hear for, I nervously say "depression" in a weak voice. She tells me it's okay, that it takes courage to come in and get help. She closes the door and I wait for the doctor.

I am staring at the poster on the wall, it has pictures of damaged ear drums. It's quite disgusting, it temporarily distracts me from my anxiety. My doctor walks in, he asks me how I am doing. I tell him horrible. I say to him "I feel depressed, I am stressed out and have constant anxiety." I tell him that one moment I can be super happy, very hyper and on top of the world. I will eat healthy, lose weight and be productive. Then the next moment I will hate life, eat really poorly and want to give up. It makes me feel like a crazy person. My doctor responds with "it sounds like you might have bipolar but I am not sure as that is not my area of expertise." "That is what I have been thinking as well, I have been reading up on it and I was wondering if I should see a psychiatrist" I said. He said that might be a good idea and advised me that there are Psychiatry walk in clinics at the U of A hospital and at the Royal Alex hospital. I also told him I can't go back to work, it's too stressful. My blood pressure has been through the roof. A couple of weeks earlier I was at the Endocrinologists office and they took my blood pressure and they were so concerned it was high, that they didn't want me to go back to work for the rest of the day. I asked him if I brought short term disability forms would he fill them out. He said yes. I asked him if he could write me a doctors note stating I need to be off work immediately.  I left the doctors appointment with my note and went straight home.

 As soon as I got home, I pulled out my Macbook and typed in Alberta Health Services in google. I went to the website and starting searching. A couple of hours later (it felt like a billion years later) I think I found what I needed. It was titled Psychiatric Treatment Clinic - U of A. It was the weekend so unfortunately they weren't open. As soon as Monday morning rolled around I gave them a call. They explained I would need to come in for an assessment. They do assessments at 830 am and 1230 pm daily. I went to work and told my manager I need to speak with her in private. We went to a meeting room and I told her I can't handle the stress anymore. I told her I also felt exhausted all the time because of my "chronic illness". She doesn't know that my chronic illness is HIV. I told her I have a doctor's note advising I need to be off work immediately. She told me she understood and hoped I felt better soon and asked me if I would be staying for the day. I said my doctor wants me off immediately but I will stay for a half a day to wrap things up. I went to my desk and wrote up instructions for a certain type of invoices that I am the only one that processes. I changed my voicemail to say I will be out of the office until further notice and put an out of office reply on my e-mail. I left work and felt relief I wouldn't have to be going back for a while. I went home and slept for twelve hours.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Group Therapy Post # 1

I've decided to write about my journey going through group therapy. Participating in group therapy was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was also the best thing I have ever done. I am going to chronicle my experience from when I decided I needed help, till now.


It's Thursday February 2nd 2012. I am at work, I am sitting at my desk, turned away from my computer. My phone is ringing, I am choosing to ignore it. It's another supplier calling to yell about not being paid. I have a window seat, I am staring out the window at the parking lot, fantasying about how I can escape. I imagine myself taking my chair and smashing it through the window. I am only on the second floor, the drop wouldn't be that bad. I would tuck and roll as I hit the ground. I would stand up and brush myself off and make a mad dash for my car. I would jump in my car and peel out of there, not looking back. I hate my job. Last July we transitioned to a new system, the new system wasn't ready, it's been hell ever since. I don't deal with stress well. It is now seven months later, the flood gates were opened, and we are still dealing with the aftermath. I hate life, I hate my job, I am depressed, stressed out, constant anxiety, I can't keep doing this anymore.

I grab my cell phone and go out to my car, I think about driving off but I realize that isn't rational. I call my doctor's office instead, asking them when the next available appointment is. They tell me this Saturday. "I'll take it I say." They ask me what I need to see the doctor for, I say "depression, stress and anxiety." Last May I went and saw my doctor about having depression and he put me on 50 mg a day of Zoloft. It helped in the beginning, a little bit, but not really. I just want to be happy. Fuck!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

It's been quite awhile

Wow, I haven't written a post in over two years. It's been an intense two years, but I truly can say I am a better person. I've changed jobs a few times, went through a group therapy program and more. I've decided I will revive the blog. I was shocked to see how many people have viewed it.

After my last blog post, I quit writing because I felt that writing about having HIV was letting HIV define me as a person. I have realized that HIV doesn't define me as a person. Only I can define me. Yes, HIV is a part of me, but I don't have to let it make me who I am.

I will talk about having HIV in this blog but I will also talk about going through group therapy and my life in general. The group therapy has helped me realize, holding in my thoughts and feelings is unhealthy. I am entitled to my feelings and entitled to express them. I've spent most of my life punishing myself and I am finally realizing I don't deserved to be punished. I have been through a lot of traumatic events in my life. Everyday is a challenge but a challenge I now feel I can face. I hope by writing this blog it will be therapeutic for me and help others as well.