I stayed in bed most of the day. I feel like garbage. I finally got out of bed around 6 pm, that was to answer the door to obtain my McDonalds I ordered. I ate too much because I'm depressed. I'm trying not to beat myself up. It's hard. I'm really angry with life always feeling so difficult. Angry I have so much wrong with me.
Recently I was diagnosed with FND - Functional Neurological Disorder. For about a year and half I think (if I think back, my migraine stroke symptoms in 2012 could be a part of this), I have been having involuntary muscle movements.
At first my family doctor thought I was having seizures and told me he was going to have my drivers licence revoked. I cried in my car. Thoughts of how much more difficult my life was going to be because I wouldn't have the freedom of driving - the transit system here isn't great. Thankfully, he consulted with a neurologist first and called me and told me the neurologist didn't believe I was having seizures and didn't recommend revoking my drivers licence. He said he was going to refer me to the movement disorder clinic, it could take a year or so to get in. Wait. Waiting is all I could do.
My symptoms were getting worse. They were happening almost everyday. Somedays worse than others. My eyes will clamp shut. My jaw will contract to the left or right. I will twitch throughout my body. I will lose my balance as I walk. A few times I had full body episodes. Twice, I had seizure like episodes but I was fully aware of it, I didn't lose control of my bodily functions. I couldn't stop them. After they finished I felt really out of it. Couldn't think straight and felt really tired. A couple times I got up off my couch and as I went to walk my muscles starting contracting. My body was being ridiculous - I felt like a marionette, my limbs moving around, out of my control.
I made an appointment with my family doctor to let him know my symptoms were progressing. He called the neurologists office and within a couple of days I got a call, they had a cancellation and they could get me in a few days later. That was fortunate, we all know seeing a neurologist can be a long wait. This was my 1st appointment with the neurologist. He did a bunch of movement tests and said he felt what was happening was psychological. He prescribed me clonazepam and told me to take .5 mg a day, if after 3 months my symptoms seemed to have somewhat improved, to take the medication twice a day. I ended up going to twice a day and my symptoms improved quite a bit.
A week ago I had a follow up appointment with the neurologist. He was happy to hear that my symptoms were improving. He said since the medication was working that showed him that it was on the psychological side. He stressed that doesn't mean I am making the symptoms happen, it means they aren't caused by a neurological disease but the symptoms are real. He told me to check out the website fndhope.org and that if my symptoms do get worse, to call his office to see him again.
My symptoms have been shitty this weekend - but I'm not surprised. I had a stressful week at work and realized how much I hate my job. The workload is insane, my manager is toxic and I left a toxic job believing this one would be better. On top of the stressful week at work, I get diagnosed with yet another illness.
I have HIV, Asthma, IBS, Anxiety, Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, and now Functional Neurological Disorder. Oh, I also have a Hiatal Hernia, Tinnitus and sometimes Gout - might as well list them all right? Haha.
Today, I stayed in bed most of the day, ate a lot of McDonalds and then put my ass on the couch and watched t.v. And you know what, I needed today to be a depressing day. I needed today to be a woe is me day. It's been a rough week and it shouldn't be unexpected that I feel overwhelmed and sad.
