Doing The Right Thing Doesn't Always Work

Happy. Tired. Empty.

Trying. Tired. Empty.

Working out. Tired. Empty.

Socializing. Tired. Empty.

For the last couple of months I have been feeling like shit. Depression has taken a hold of me, inside and out. Whenever I read articles about depression, I always read the comments section. I should know better than to read the comments section of any article, because the ignorant people always make me mad.

When I read the comments sections for depression articles I always see comments like "go for a walk", "just shake it off", "do something that makes you happy", "eat healthy", etc. I have a news flash for those people: IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY!"

I have been doing the right things. I have been working out three times per week, I have been eating healthier, I have been socializing with my friends, I go to therapy once a month and I've talked about how I've been feeling depressed with a friend. Guess what folks? Still depressed! Still feeling tired and empty inside.

Each workout class I go to, I have to fight with myself to go. Everyday I have to fight with myself to eat healthy and not eat fast food three times a day. When I hang out with my friends, I have a good time, my laughter is genuine, but I still feel empty inside.

Sometimes you can do all the right things and it just doesn't work. Sometimes the only thing that works is time!

Having several illnesses takes a lot out of me. Living with HIV, Bipolar Disorder, Asthma and IBS is exhausting. I only have so much energy to expend everyday and I need to get better at managing it. I've done a lot work on myself through therapy and I feel like my brain is reaching a precipice. I can either scale the mountain in front of me or I can turn around and go back to what is comfortable.

One side of my brain is trying to get me to stick with what we have always done, give up. Stay in bed, eat like crap, stay isolated, have a pity party. The other side is seeing light at the end of the tunnel, it recognizes all the hard work we have been doing, is remapping our brain and for it to stick we need to keep moving forward, we need to keep working out, eating healthy, facing our feelings, facing things head on, loving ourself and not giving up.