I'm Not Doing Well - I'm Tired

I'm not doing well. I'm currently off work because of depression, anxiety and my functional neurological disorder (FND). Last year I was off for about 5 months because of depression. In December the depression came back and has been stalking me ever since. 

Currently my mood has been weird. I'm depressed, I feel hopeless at times but at the same time I have all these ideas and things I want to do and I try to do them. But, when I do, I can concentrate. I'm really irritable and everything small and big is making me angry. I'm supposed to be using this time to get better but my brain won't let me. Sometimes I can focus and get things done and then other times I'm just not capable. It's exhausting.

I'm really tired of feeling this way. I'm angry and embarrassed being off work again. Speaking with my therapist, I know I shouldn't be angry with myself, I shouldn't be embarrassed, this is a part of living with mental illness. This isn't the first time I've been off work and it probably won't be the last. It makes me feel like a failure. The things I struggle with, the things that trigger my anxiety, bipolar disorder and FND are things that people deal with everyday. I see my friends and family deal with them no problem. I know they don't have mental illness and I shouldn't be comparing myself but my brain is being an asshole right now and I'm continually in this trap of putting myself down and feeling hopeless.

I'm scared to go back to work. My role is really stressful. The place is toxic at times. I asked to be moved to a less stressful role due to my illnesses and I was told they don't have to accommodate me because it's just stress. I said it's more than stress and that my mental illnesses and neurological disorder are being triggered by the work I do. They didn't care, all they heard was stress and told me they don't have to accommodate me. 

You might be thinking, they can't do that. That's wrong. You need to fight back. The problem is I don't have the mental capacity to do so. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of advocating for myself. I'm tired of doing the right thing and having it used against me. I'm just really fucking tired. 

I know I should be looking for work elsewhere. But like everything else I find it very overwhelming. I pull up job postings and I get overwhelmed. The thought of reading the job posting, writing a cover letter, changing my resume makes me want to run and hide. I think too far forward. I don't think about just applying for the role, I think about how I'm going to have to start over at a new company. Meet ne people. Learn new systems and tasks. Worry about doing a good job, making a good impression. It's my anxiety. It takes over and I struggle to stop it. People always say "one step at a time" but anxiety likes to screw with me and be like "lets think about everything that could be overwhelming and everything that can go wrong."

I also have the stress of applying for disability benefits through the insurance company. Since I was on short term disability last year, they are saying I exhausted those benefits and I now have to apply for long term disability. The catch with that is, there is a pre-existing clause. If I was being treated for my condition 90 days before I was eligible for benefits, they can deny my claim. I've been treated for mental illness since I was in my 20's, of course it's pre-existing. So I am just sitting here waiting for them to deny my claim. I'm running out of money. If they don't approve me, I will have to go back to work, which I'm not healthy enough to do. If I don't go back to work, I will run out of money and not be able to pay my bills. I'm fucked. 

Getting help, to get health for mental illness shouldn't be this difficult. I'm trying to get healthy so that I can work. But every step is made so difficult. I've been off work for five weeks now. Five weeks of not being paid. I'm fortunate I have savings, a lot of people don't. But it's still stressful because I don't have a lot of savings and I'm going to run out of money soon. 

I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of fighting to be healthy. I'm tired of trying to do the right thing. I'm tired of trying to advocate for myself. 

I'M TIRED