I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm sad. I am tired of being rejected. Whether it be trying to meet people for dating or getting laid, I get rejected...all the freaking time! I've been told, "sorry I'm only into white dudes." I understand that people have preferences, but when I look at myself in a mirror and see a white dude looking back, I wonder, what the hell is wrong with you. Then I will hear "sorry I'm only into fit guys" but then the next guy says to me "sorry I only like bigger guys." Is there no in-between category? Is there any in between sized lovers out there? Then I get told "I'm only into young guys" and then I hear "sorry I'm into older guys only." Is there no one that likes a guy in his early 30's? Next
I hear "sorry I'm into masculine guys only" and then I'm told "sorry I'm into a more feminine guy." Should I tell them about the time, when MSN Messenger still existed, that a guy said to me "is that your sister in that picture, she's really pretty." I responded with "that's me." The guy messaged back "oh, well you look nice, oh phone call, gotta go." It's like when I go shopping and try on clothes, a large doesn't fit but an extra large is way too big. I am always stuck in the middle!
When I do finally find a dude that is into a guy that's in-between all the preferences, a guy that is into a large and a half, I then have to tell them about being HIV Positive. So, I have passed the first 20 damn hurdles, received some scrapes and bruises along the way and now it's time for the pole vault and I have to vault over 20 feet to get over the next one.
If one more guy asks me if I am "clean" I am going to lose my shit. I have started responding with "yes I am clean, I have a shower every day and make sure to clean my ass before sex, now if your wondering if I am HIV Positive, the answer is yes. I am on medications and my viral load is undetectable, if you are unsure what that means, please feel free to ask questions. All I ask, is you stop asking if someone is "clean", just because I have HIV, it doesn't make me dirty."
I feel my response works two-fold, one I get to provide the sarcastic response which satisfies my bitterness and immaturity, but then I also try to educate them. I understand I am probably negating the education part by having the sarcastic response, but frankly I don't care it feels good, ha! I sometimes mention to them, that being with a guy who is honest and open about being HIV Positive and is on medications and their viral load is undetectable and you use a condom, you are going to be just safe or even safer. With someone who says they are HIV Negative, unless they are providing you a very recent copy of their test results and you can verify their id against the information on the test results, you have no way of knowing if they are telling the truth. Sadly, most of the time, they respond with sorry I just can't do it with a Poz guy.
I recently downloaded Tinder, big mistake. I quickly deleted it after a guy messaged me and said "you should be like that Subway guy Jared and eat at Subway so you can lose weight." I was on Match.com for a while and had no success. I don't know where to meet people, it is very frustrating. At this point, I have been kicked so many times, that I am starting to give up. Just resigning myself to the fact that I probably won't ever be in a romantic relationship or even get laid. Fuck.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
New blog post, new job, new medication
Eek ack wowza! It has been a year and half since I have written a blog post, way too long! This past July I was laid off, it was actually a good thing. I was hating my job and hating my manager, it was hard not to walk out with a smile. I started a new job in September, I am a Team Supervisor in a call centre. I have a lot of a call centre experience and managing/mentoring people is something I have wanted to do and have indirectly done in my past roles. In the four months I have been at the new job, it has been intense. A lot of things are broken, including staff from past poor management. There is a lot to fix and some days it has been overwhelming, but change is happening, slowly, but it is happening. We have a new Manager starting and I know her from one of my previous jobs and from what I remember she was amazing, so hopefully she still is!
Another big change is, I finally got in to see a Psychiatrist this past September. My doctor had referred me back in March 2014 and he finally followed up and they didn't get the original referral, so that is why it took so long to get in; better late than never. The Psychiatrist is the cutest little old man I have ever seen. He is shorter than me, I am 5 Feet 6 Inches, he wears these old style suits with a bow tie, I swear he must be in his 80's. I want to put him in my pocket. He had me fill out a bi-polar screening test, I selected yes to everything. He looked at it and said, you should not have been on Zoloft at all. I said that makes sense, a week before my episode back in February, my Zoloft dose was increased. He said that would do it.
He prescribed me 600 mg of lithium. I started taking it right away and had my blood taken a week later. I had my follow up appointment with him and he asked me how I was feeling. I told him I had never felt better. For over two years I had been going to my family doctor repeatedly complaining of severe fatigue. All I did was sleep, sleep and more sleep. I went from seeing my friends multiple times in a week, to once a week on the weekend. As soon as I started taking Lithium my energy levels were fixed, I told him I didn't nap once this past week. He was happy for me and also surprised that I was noticing a change so quickly.
He upped my dose to 900 mg a day to get the blood levels up to the therapeutic range. The next follow up appointment he said that my blood levels were in the therapeutic range and that we would stick with the 900 mg dose. He asked me if I was still feeling good and I said that I was. I let him know that my roommate, who is also one of my best friends, said she had noticed changes in me. My friend noticed that I was coming out of my room a lot more, I was more social with her and her husband. She also said that I was posting on Facebook much more and that it was quite funny, he gave me a weird look when I told him this. He was probably thinking what's a Facebook.
I went to my pharmacy to fill the prescription and the Pharmacist asked how the medication was going. I said really well, that I hadn't felt this energetic in such a long time. She looked at me concerned, and then I realized and said oh I mean normal amounts of energy, not too much energy haha. She laughed and said oh good, and she was really happy that the medication was working so well for me. I love my pharmacy, everyone who works there knows my name, they are always so friendly and genuinely care.
It has been a frustrating few years of trying different anti-depressants and having various doctors not take me seriously because I don't fit the DSM Manual criteria perfectly or because I am so self aware. Fingers crossed the Lithium continues to work for me, and a big hallelujah for finally getting to see a doctor who got me onto the correct medication.
Another big change is, I finally got in to see a Psychiatrist this past September. My doctor had referred me back in March 2014 and he finally followed up and they didn't get the original referral, so that is why it took so long to get in; better late than never. The Psychiatrist is the cutest little old man I have ever seen. He is shorter than me, I am 5 Feet 6 Inches, he wears these old style suits with a bow tie, I swear he must be in his 80's. I want to put him in my pocket. He had me fill out a bi-polar screening test, I selected yes to everything. He looked at it and said, you should not have been on Zoloft at all. I said that makes sense, a week before my episode back in February, my Zoloft dose was increased. He said that would do it.
He prescribed me 600 mg of lithium. I started taking it right away and had my blood taken a week later. I had my follow up appointment with him and he asked me how I was feeling. I told him I had never felt better. For over two years I had been going to my family doctor repeatedly complaining of severe fatigue. All I did was sleep, sleep and more sleep. I went from seeing my friends multiple times in a week, to once a week on the weekend. As soon as I started taking Lithium my energy levels were fixed, I told him I didn't nap once this past week. He was happy for me and also surprised that I was noticing a change so quickly.
He upped my dose to 900 mg a day to get the blood levels up to the therapeutic range. The next follow up appointment he said that my blood levels were in the therapeutic range and that we would stick with the 900 mg dose. He asked me if I was still feeling good and I said that I was. I let him know that my roommate, who is also one of my best friends, said she had noticed changes in me. My friend noticed that I was coming out of my room a lot more, I was more social with her and her husband. She also said that I was posting on Facebook much more and that it was quite funny, he gave me a weird look when I told him this. He was probably thinking what's a Facebook.
I went to my pharmacy to fill the prescription and the Pharmacist asked how the medication was going. I said really well, that I hadn't felt this energetic in such a long time. She looked at me concerned, and then I realized and said oh I mean normal amounts of energy, not too much energy haha. She laughed and said oh good, and she was really happy that the medication was working so well for me. I love my pharmacy, everyone who works there knows my name, they are always so friendly and genuinely care.
It has been a frustrating few years of trying different anti-depressants and having various doctors not take me seriously because I don't fit the DSM Manual criteria perfectly or because I am so self aware. Fingers crossed the Lithium continues to work for me, and a big hallelujah for finally getting to see a doctor who got me onto the correct medication.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Let's Take the Time to Educate
I just read the article "Transgendered Artist Arrested for Baring Breasts on Plane" http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2013/06/24/transgender_artist_arrested_for_baring_breasts_on_plane.html
It frustrated me to read it. Two Transgendered women on a plane didn't like that a flight attendant said "You guy's have to teach us how to do our makeup, you know because you used to be guys right?" Nina Arsenault said they were provoked by the inappropriate questions.
Were the questions inappropriate? Absolutely. Was the best response to those questions to take off her top and strut down the aisle to purposely shock the fellow passengers and flight attendants? No I don't believe it was. The only purpose of that was shock value. It didn't teach anyone on that plane anything. If anything, those flight attendants that asked those questions, were probably put off and embarrassed and maybe afraid to interact with a transgendered person in the future. This action they took just further secluded themselves.
It would have been nice to read that they took the opportunity to educate the flight attendants. To tell them why it was inappropriate to ask those questions and phrase it in that manner. It would have been nice for them to encourage the flight attendants to do some research on the issues transgendered persons face everyday. But instead they chose to use shock value which takes away from their cause and makes it appear that they only did it to bring some attention to the fact they are artists. I'm not saying they have to be advocates. If they don't feel the need to be advocates for the cause that's fine, they could have simply said the questions you are asking are inappropriate and left it at that. If the flight attendants persisted they could have asked to speak to a manager when they got off the plane.
If someone said something inappropriate to me about being HIV Positive, such as "your dirty" I wouldn't strip naked and start rubbing myself with soap to prove I am clean. I would take the opportunity to educate in hopes of reducing the stigma around being HIV Positive. I hope people don't applaud these women for what they did, what they did was not positive.
It frustrated me to read it. Two Transgendered women on a plane didn't like that a flight attendant said "You guy's have to teach us how to do our makeup, you know because you used to be guys right?" Nina Arsenault said they were provoked by the inappropriate questions.
Were the questions inappropriate? Absolutely. Was the best response to those questions to take off her top and strut down the aisle to purposely shock the fellow passengers and flight attendants? No I don't believe it was. The only purpose of that was shock value. It didn't teach anyone on that plane anything. If anything, those flight attendants that asked those questions, were probably put off and embarrassed and maybe afraid to interact with a transgendered person in the future. This action they took just further secluded themselves.
It would have been nice to read that they took the opportunity to educate the flight attendants. To tell them why it was inappropriate to ask those questions and phrase it in that manner. It would have been nice for them to encourage the flight attendants to do some research on the issues transgendered persons face everyday. But instead they chose to use shock value which takes away from their cause and makes it appear that they only did it to bring some attention to the fact they are artists. I'm not saying they have to be advocates. If they don't feel the need to be advocates for the cause that's fine, they could have simply said the questions you are asking are inappropriate and left it at that. If the flight attendants persisted they could have asked to speak to a manager when they got off the plane.
If someone said something inappropriate to me about being HIV Positive, such as "your dirty" I wouldn't strip naked and start rubbing myself with soap to prove I am clean. I would take the opportunity to educate in hopes of reducing the stigma around being HIV Positive. I hope people don't applaud these women for what they did, what they did was not positive.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Underwear Addiction
I have an underwear addiction. Seriously! I was hanging out with my friends last night and I mentioned that I had gone to the mall earlier in the day. They asked me what I got, and I said oh just some underwear. They started laughing and said you always buy underwear, how many pairs do you think you have. I said oh I don't lots.
Well today, I was cleaning my room and decided to find out how many pairs I actually have. Are you ready for the number? Drum roll please.......... I have 197 pairs of underwear. 197!!!! So I laid them all out on my bed and took a picture. Then I stacked them and took a picture. I will attach the pictures to show you my crazy underwear addiction.
I even counted how many of each kind I have. The breakdown as follows:
97 Boxer Briefs
68 Briefs
16 Jockstraps
14 Thongs
2 Regular Boxers
I imagine how much money I have spent on underwear, OMG! Lot's of them I bought on sale though, that makes it alright, right? RIGHT? Haha
The funny part is, it bothers me that its 197, I feel the urge to go out and buy three more pairs to make it an even 200. Hahaha.
Wait till I am in California at the end of the month, I am sure I will have more to add to the collection, tee hee.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
I Can Breathe!
I finally went back to the gym today, I haven't been to the gym since early last year. It went really well. Last December I was diagnosed with severe Asthma. I made sure to take my inhaler before going to the gym. OMG! This is what it feels like to breathe normally while working out. I have always found working out difficult because I would become short of breath easily. I always thought that was normal, just how I was. But obviously it wasn't. I was on the treadmill for forty five minutes and didn't feel like dying. I also did weights as well.
I've also started going to Yoga. It's called gayish yoga, it's geared towards the gay community but anyone is welcome. The first two times I went I didn't take my inhaler - big mistake. I felt like death by the end of it. The yoga class is an hour and half long. My friend looked over at me and said "umm your quite pale." The third time I went I remembered to take my inhaler before hand, and my breathing was spectacular, it was beautiful. I ended the class tired but a good tired not a I am going to pass out because I can't breathe tired.
I remember when I used to run cross-country in junior high and high school, I was good at it but always at the end I would have troubles breathing. It amazes me I never had a severe asthma attack...thankfully!
Yay for normal breathing! Woot woot!
I've also started going to Yoga. It's called gayish yoga, it's geared towards the gay community but anyone is welcome. The first two times I went I didn't take my inhaler - big mistake. I felt like death by the end of it. The yoga class is an hour and half long. My friend looked over at me and said "umm your quite pale." The third time I went I remembered to take my inhaler before hand, and my breathing was spectacular, it was beautiful. I ended the class tired but a good tired not a I am going to pass out because I can't breathe tired.
I remember when I used to run cross-country in junior high and high school, I was good at it but always at the end I would have troubles breathing. It amazes me I never had a severe asthma attack...thankfully!
Yay for normal breathing! Woot woot!
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Massage & HIV
About a month ago I started going to a Massage Therapist. I am constantly having back pain and thought I would give it a try. I've gone to a Massage Therapist a couple of times in the past, it was good and relaxing but wasn't great. I decided to give it a try again. I found the best Massage Therapist ever. He really gets into the muscles, I love it. It is the best massage I have ever had. I like that he uses his arm and slowly goes over the muscle. It feels so great and really loosens everything up.
There is another reason I like him. He has been great with the fact that I am HIV positive. When I went there for the first time, I filled out the usual forms. It has a list of conditions to check off, such as being HIV Positive. At first I wasn't going to check off the box for being HIV positive. I thought what's the point? There is no risk of him contracting HIV from me during the massage. But then I thought why am I trying to hide it? I really don't care if he knows I have HIV. So I checked off the box.
We went into the room and he said I noticed you checked off the HIV box. I have never had a client with HIV before. I thought to myself, not that you knew about. I also thought great, is he going to have a problem with this. He then said, are you on medications? I said yes I am. I thought to myself, is he seriously worried about contracting HIV. The next thing he said was, do your medications cause any issues, such as skin or muscle issues, I ask because I want to make sure I don't apply to much pressure if your medications cause any issues. I hope it's okay that I asked.
I felt like an ass. I made an assumption and I was wrong. What a great guy, making sure he is educating himself so he can make sure he gives me the best massage therapy possible. I told him that the medications don't cause any issues like that and that he didn't have to modify how he performed the massage therapy. I thanked him for asking and told him to feel free to ask me any questions about HIV.
The second time I went in for a massage, he took the opportunity to ask me some questions. He asked about how HIV can be transmitted and we talked about me having to contact previous partners. I told him that the nurse actually does that for you and does it confidentially. He said that is great, as you wouldn't want to have to worry about that, as you are trying to deal with the diagnosis itself.
Not only does he give an amazing massage, he was great about asking questions about HIV. He again asked if it was okay to ask me questions, I said definitely, as it helps reduce the stigma. Best massage therapist ever!
There is another reason I like him. He has been great with the fact that I am HIV positive. When I went there for the first time, I filled out the usual forms. It has a list of conditions to check off, such as being HIV Positive. At first I wasn't going to check off the box for being HIV positive. I thought what's the point? There is no risk of him contracting HIV from me during the massage. But then I thought why am I trying to hide it? I really don't care if he knows I have HIV. So I checked off the box.
We went into the room and he said I noticed you checked off the HIV box. I have never had a client with HIV before. I thought to myself, not that you knew about. I also thought great, is he going to have a problem with this. He then said, are you on medications? I said yes I am. I thought to myself, is he seriously worried about contracting HIV. The next thing he said was, do your medications cause any issues, such as skin or muscle issues, I ask because I want to make sure I don't apply to much pressure if your medications cause any issues. I hope it's okay that I asked.
I felt like an ass. I made an assumption and I was wrong. What a great guy, making sure he is educating himself so he can make sure he gives me the best massage therapy possible. I told him that the medications don't cause any issues like that and that he didn't have to modify how he performed the massage therapy. I thanked him for asking and told him to feel free to ask me any questions about HIV.
The second time I went in for a massage, he took the opportunity to ask me some questions. He asked about how HIV can be transmitted and we talked about me having to contact previous partners. I told him that the nurse actually does that for you and does it confidentially. He said that is great, as you wouldn't want to have to worry about that, as you are trying to deal with the diagnosis itself.
Not only does he give an amazing massage, he was great about asking questions about HIV. He again asked if it was okay to ask me questions, I said definitely, as it helps reduce the stigma. Best massage therapist ever!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Road Rage...I Blew Him a Kiss
I was driving home from work today and the snow is blowing all over the place. There was a guy riding my ass, obviously he felt I wasn't going fast enough. He pulled up beside me and stared me down, so I gave him the finger. He was a very heavy set guy, probably in his forties. He was a few feet ahead of me, in the lane next to me, all of a sudden he let go of the steering wheel, put his arms over his head and started pounding his fist into his hand. It looked so stupid I started laughing uncontrollably. He was not happy about this. He started tapping his breaks to intimidate me, which didn't work since he wasn't even in the same lane as me. I just kept laughing. He moved into the left turning lane and was slowing down so I caught up to him. When I was across from his started shaking his fists so I blew him a kiss. The look on his face was priceless.
I used to have issues with road rage. Before I went through the group therapy program, I held in all my anger. Eventually I would get so full of anger it would spill out in unhealthy ways, such as road rage. I remember one time, I was driving down the freeway and there was a truck full of young guys. They were in the same lane as me and all of a sudden went across three lanes of traffic, cutting off a few vehicles. I shook my head in disbelief, well they saw that and didn't like that so they cut back over through the three lanes of traffic, got in front of me and slammed on their brakes and then tried to take off. My anger over took me and I sped off after them. Weaving in and out of traffic trying to chase them down. I eventually realized how stupid I was being and backed off and let them get out of sight. What was I really going to do? Get out of my car and fight them? No way in hell, I wouldn't have a chance.
Thankfully I haven't lost my cool in quite a long time. Now I just laugh and blow kisses.
I used to have issues with road rage. Before I went through the group therapy program, I held in all my anger. Eventually I would get so full of anger it would spill out in unhealthy ways, such as road rage. I remember one time, I was driving down the freeway and there was a truck full of young guys. They were in the same lane as me and all of a sudden went across three lanes of traffic, cutting off a few vehicles. I shook my head in disbelief, well they saw that and didn't like that so they cut back over through the three lanes of traffic, got in front of me and slammed on their brakes and then tried to take off. My anger over took me and I sped off after them. Weaving in and out of traffic trying to chase them down. I eventually realized how stupid I was being and backed off and let them get out of sight. What was I really going to do? Get out of my car and fight them? No way in hell, I wouldn't have a chance.
Thankfully I haven't lost my cool in quite a long time. Now I just laugh and blow kisses.
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