I'm cranky today. I'm sad, I'm angry. I woke up today and hate the world. I didn't want to get out of bed. I pressed snooze, over and over and over again. I finally rolled out of bed and dragged my ass to the shower. I got in my car and drove to Tim Hortons, I got myself an iced cappuccino and breakfast sandwich, hoping it would make me feel better, it didn't.
I arrived at work and was not motivated to work at all. I spun around in my chair a few times, I stared at the wall, went to the washroom even though I really didn't need to go. My co-worker and I went on a Tim Hortons run for everyone, at least I wasn't the only one not in the mood to work. Finally noon arrived and I got to go home - I am still only working half days due to my medical leave.
I'm feeling shitty and hating life, so what do I do, I go to the food court at the mall. I go back to one of my bad behaviours and get greasy bad food. This time I select Chinese food, I haven't had Chinese food in a long time. I take it to go and head home. I go to my room, throw on a Criminal Minds dvd and eat my Chinese food in my bed. Was the Chinese Food worth it? Yes and no. Yes because it was damn tasty. No because it made me feel all gross and made me feel bad about myself.
I hate these ups and downs I have. Yesterday I was in a great mood. I got home from work and decided I was going to cook. I made myself a bacon carbonara pasta and home made garlic bread. It was super tasty and I was impressed at how well it turned out. I don't normally cook. I was so jolly yesterday and now today I feel miserable. How the hell does it turn off and on that quickly? I hate it!
There have been so many times I've been convinced I have Bipolar Disorder. When I went for an assessment at the Psychiatry clinic to get into the group therapy program, the Psychiatrist quickly dismissed the idea of me being Bipolar. She asked me if I go days on end with no sleep. I said no and she quickly replied with, well then your not bipolar. I was angry. I felt like she quickly dismissed me and what I was feeling and had to say. I shut down and I immediately hated her. Just a minute before I really liked her and thought she was awesome. Looking back that was obviously my Borderline Personality Disorder kicking in.
I've been thinking about why I am so desperate to be labelled as Bipolar. I have enough labels already, don't I? I'm HIV positive. I'm a gay man. I have Major Depression. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Why then do I want to be labelled as Bipolar? Because I want to be fixed. I want someone to give me some pills and say, take these you will be fixed. You will be normal - another label. I know in reality that's not true. I know with Bipolar disorder, trying to find the right combination of medications is difficult and involves a lot of trial and error. And even though you are on medications it doesn't mean they will always work.
I guess I am just frustrated that my depression is kicking in today. I am frustrated that I went through four months of group therapy and I am not normal. I need to remind myself what one of the therapists said. He said "your not going to change overnight, it's going to take practice. You are trying to change decades worth of behaviours, you need to take baby steps." He's right I need to take one step at a time, and realize setbacks will happen.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
I had a date
I had a date last weekend. I was extremely nervous. I haven't been on a date in a long time. A couple of years actually. The last time I was on a date was a few months after I was diagnosed with HIV. I joined a dating website for people living with HIV. We hung out a few times but it didn't go anywhere, mainly because he was a jackass haha. He would always make plans and cancel them. I finally had enough and told him so.
This guy isn't HIV positive, that I am aware of. We started chatting on a regular dating website. We met for coffee. I think going for coffee for a first date is a good idea. It's nice and casual, no pressure. The date went well, we were there for two hours and had good conversation. I didn't really find him attractive, not my type. I decided it's only the first date and I'm really nervous so I won't make any snap judgements.
One of the things I worried about is, having to disclose that I am HIV positive. If we hit it off and go on more dates at what point do I tell him? Do I wait until we've gone a few dates. Who knows what the answer is.
We went on a second date, we went for dinner. Conversation was a lot more awkward this time. A few silent moments. We were struggling to find things to talk about. Again I found myself not attracted to him. Not even a tingle in my bits going on. I realized I was trying to force myself to be attracted to him. I don't have much dating experience and have had a lot of issues in the past. I really wanted this to work out. I had to take a step back and realize, I'm only thirty. I don't have to settle, I have lot's of time to meet the right guy. This is a huge change for me. If this was before going through the group therapy program, I would have kept going out on dates even though I didn't want to.
At least I didn't have to disclose about the HIV, phew! But I will have to cross that bridge eventually. Hopefully I will figure out how to do it, when the time comes.
This guy isn't HIV positive, that I am aware of. We started chatting on a regular dating website. We met for coffee. I think going for coffee for a first date is a good idea. It's nice and casual, no pressure. The date went well, we were there for two hours and had good conversation. I didn't really find him attractive, not my type. I decided it's only the first date and I'm really nervous so I won't make any snap judgements.
One of the things I worried about is, having to disclose that I am HIV positive. If we hit it off and go on more dates at what point do I tell him? Do I wait until we've gone a few dates. Who knows what the answer is.
We went on a second date, we went for dinner. Conversation was a lot more awkward this time. A few silent moments. We were struggling to find things to talk about. Again I found myself not attracted to him. Not even a tingle in my bits going on. I realized I was trying to force myself to be attracted to him. I don't have much dating experience and have had a lot of issues in the past. I really wanted this to work out. I had to take a step back and realize, I'm only thirty. I don't have to settle, I have lot's of time to meet the right guy. This is a huge change for me. If this was before going through the group therapy program, I would have kept going out on dates even though I didn't want to.
At least I didn't have to disclose about the HIV, phew! But I will have to cross that bridge eventually. Hopefully I will figure out how to do it, when the time comes.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
I'm a flavour whore!
I feel tired and depressed today. It's all my fault really. I was hanging out with friends last night and we were drinking. Usually if I only have two to three drinks I am fine, but any more than that, I usually end up feeling depressed the next day. I'm not surprised, it's commonly known that alcohol acts a depressant. Probably not the best thing for me to be drinking since I have had bouts of major depression. I just can't help it though, I love the taste of red wine. Mmmmm so delicious. Probably didn't help that I had two beers and a tequila sunrise on top of that, oops. I am such a flavour whore - I love tasty stuff. The neurons in my brain get going, and they chant "give me more!" Give me more!"
If I stick to wine then I am usually fine the next day, I don't usually feel depressed. It's funny how alcohol can effect people differently. Because I was feeling down today, what did I do? I went and got fast food. At first I was ready to beat myself up for eating the fast food. The last two days I had been eating healthy and exercising. But I didn't beat myself up. I gave myself a pat on the back. Prior to this week I was eating fast food, everyday, sometimes twice a day. I just went the last two days without any fast food - that is awesome for me. So I had fast food today, oh well, life goes on. And to be honest, I enjoyed every freaking bite of it. It was damn delicious I tell you! I also know from experience, that if I try to go cold turkey cutting out the fast food, I fail miserably... every time! Like I said in my New Year's resolutions post, I will not overdo it, I will take it slowly. If I can go eating fast food every couple of days, for the next couple of weeks, that's a huge achievement for me. Then maybe I can go three days without eating it. One step at a time.
If I stick to wine then I am usually fine the next day, I don't usually feel depressed. It's funny how alcohol can effect people differently. Because I was feeling down today, what did I do? I went and got fast food. At first I was ready to beat myself up for eating the fast food. The last two days I had been eating healthy and exercising. But I didn't beat myself up. I gave myself a pat on the back. Prior to this week I was eating fast food, everyday, sometimes twice a day. I just went the last two days without any fast food - that is awesome for me. So I had fast food today, oh well, life goes on. And to be honest, I enjoyed every freaking bite of it. It was damn delicious I tell you! I also know from experience, that if I try to go cold turkey cutting out the fast food, I fail miserably... every time! Like I said in my New Year's resolutions post, I will not overdo it, I will take it slowly. If I can go eating fast food every couple of days, for the next couple of weeks, that's a huge achievement for me. Then maybe I can go three days without eating it. One step at a time.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
HIV and Mental Health
Whenever I see campaigns for HIV/AIDS awareness, whether it be on television or online it never seems to focus on mental health. It mainly focuses on prevention and treatment of HIV/AIDS. Don't get me wrong, it is extremely important that we educate about HIV prevention and treatment, but it seems a lot of times those messages are going unheard. Or ads using scare tactics by showing how sick HIV can make someone. How can someone focus on prevention and treatment for themselves if they don't have sound mental health? If they have any issues with self worth and loving oneself, then why would they care about prevention and treatment?
I'm biased on this issue, as poor mental health played a huge role in why I contracted HIV. I recently went through a four month group therapy program, it did wonders for me. For me I had a shaky childhood. When I was seven my drunk neighbour physically assaulted me, because I locked him out of his house when we were having a water fight. When I was around seven or eight I woke up to my Mom and Dad fighting. My Dad was drunk - as per usual - and was yelling he was going to kill himself. My Mom yelled to my sister to hide the knives, my Dad grabbed his shotgun and threatened to shoot himself. My sister called the police, and the SWAT team showed up. Not a very nice experience for a seven year old. After my Mom left my Dad she was very depressed. She dealt with it by ordering us fast food all the time and working from five a.m to eight at night. She would watch t.v and then go right to bed. She was miserable. My sister dealt with it by getting involved with the wrong crowd of people, she got involved in crime. There's nothing like having to visit your sister in the young offenders centre. My brother dealt with it by getting a job and moving out. I was all alone, I basically had to raise myself. I had no one to teach me how to cook, how to deal with my feelings, how to live a healthy life. I had no one to go to when I was being bullied at school. I was alone. When I was twelve, I was in a washroom in a mall and was raped by a man in the bathroom stall. I didn't have anyone to tell, I ended up becoming very sexual and put myself in dangerous sexual situations after that, all the time. I felt that it was my fault that I was raped and hated myself for it.
This set the stage for my adolescence and adulthood. I am a true believer, that our childhood, our environment and experiences shape us an adult. Whenever I was feeling bad about myself, I would turn to sex to get rid of those feelings. If I was feeling unwanted and lonely, I would turn to sex to feel wanted. This all started after I was raped at the age of twelve. This followed me into adulthood. I wrote in a previous post, that the effect of having sex to cover my feelings would start to wear off. So I went from just having oral sex, to anal sex with condoms, then having sex with multiple men in a night, to having sex with no condoms and so on. Trying to chase that illusive high to get rid of those feelings I had. In the end I was punishing myself. It's no surprise to me that I contracted HIV. I had no self worth, I didn't know how to love myself.
I truly believe if people valued themselves, if they had self worth, there would be way less HIV infections. When we know that having unprotected sex can lead to contracting HIV, and there are so many people engaging in unprotected sex, can you say that they truly love themselves? Can you say that they have a high sense of self worth? I doubt it. If someone is perfectly mentally healthy, they love oneself, they value themselves, then wouldn't instinct kick in? Wouldn't a persons need for self preservation stop one self from engaging in such a risky behaviour. A behaviour that could potentially kill oneself. I am constantly working on changing my negative behaviours. I am not perfect. Sometimes I slip up. Sometimes I feel down and have turned to sex or food to get rid of those feelings. But the difference is, that is happening less frequently. One of the important things I learned was that, I am going to make mistakes, I will slip up and that's okay. I am trying to change decades worth of behaviour. That won't happen over night.
I don't write this to say that we need to divert all our attention to mental health issues, in particular mental health and HIV. I write this in the hopes of starting a discussion. Mental Health is just one of the many issues involved with HIV. Hopefully one day soon we can get ahold of this disease, hopefully we can beat this disease. Until then, let's help each other out, share our experiences, and do the best we can. Let's learn to love ourselves.
I'm biased on this issue, as poor mental health played a huge role in why I contracted HIV. I recently went through a four month group therapy program, it did wonders for me. For me I had a shaky childhood. When I was seven my drunk neighbour physically assaulted me, because I locked him out of his house when we were having a water fight. When I was around seven or eight I woke up to my Mom and Dad fighting. My Dad was drunk - as per usual - and was yelling he was going to kill himself. My Mom yelled to my sister to hide the knives, my Dad grabbed his shotgun and threatened to shoot himself. My sister called the police, and the SWAT team showed up. Not a very nice experience for a seven year old. After my Mom left my Dad she was very depressed. She dealt with it by ordering us fast food all the time and working from five a.m to eight at night. She would watch t.v and then go right to bed. She was miserable. My sister dealt with it by getting involved with the wrong crowd of people, she got involved in crime. There's nothing like having to visit your sister in the young offenders centre. My brother dealt with it by getting a job and moving out. I was all alone, I basically had to raise myself. I had no one to teach me how to cook, how to deal with my feelings, how to live a healthy life. I had no one to go to when I was being bullied at school. I was alone. When I was twelve, I was in a washroom in a mall and was raped by a man in the bathroom stall. I didn't have anyone to tell, I ended up becoming very sexual and put myself in dangerous sexual situations after that, all the time. I felt that it was my fault that I was raped and hated myself for it.
This set the stage for my adolescence and adulthood. I am a true believer, that our childhood, our environment and experiences shape us an adult. Whenever I was feeling bad about myself, I would turn to sex to get rid of those feelings. If I was feeling unwanted and lonely, I would turn to sex to feel wanted. This all started after I was raped at the age of twelve. This followed me into adulthood. I wrote in a previous post, that the effect of having sex to cover my feelings would start to wear off. So I went from just having oral sex, to anal sex with condoms, then having sex with multiple men in a night, to having sex with no condoms and so on. Trying to chase that illusive high to get rid of those feelings I had. In the end I was punishing myself. It's no surprise to me that I contracted HIV. I had no self worth, I didn't know how to love myself.
I truly believe if people valued themselves, if they had self worth, there would be way less HIV infections. When we know that having unprotected sex can lead to contracting HIV, and there are so many people engaging in unprotected sex, can you say that they truly love themselves? Can you say that they have a high sense of self worth? I doubt it. If someone is perfectly mentally healthy, they love oneself, they value themselves, then wouldn't instinct kick in? Wouldn't a persons need for self preservation stop one self from engaging in such a risky behaviour. A behaviour that could potentially kill oneself. I am constantly working on changing my negative behaviours. I am not perfect. Sometimes I slip up. Sometimes I feel down and have turned to sex or food to get rid of those feelings. But the difference is, that is happening less frequently. One of the important things I learned was that, I am going to make mistakes, I will slip up and that's okay. I am trying to change decades worth of behaviour. That won't happen over night.
I don't write this to say that we need to divert all our attention to mental health issues, in particular mental health and HIV. I write this in the hopes of starting a discussion. Mental Health is just one of the many issues involved with HIV. Hopefully one day soon we can get ahold of this disease, hopefully we can beat this disease. Until then, let's help each other out, share our experiences, and do the best we can. Let's learn to love ourselves.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
It's 2013...ACK!
I can't believe it is 2013. It's true, every year you get older, every year goes by faster and faster. It's like the Japanese Bullet Train, I swear last year went by at 300 km/hr. At the same time though, there were times it felt very very long, as long as the Nile river.
I've been through a lot in the past year. I went through a bout of major depression. It was so bad I was off of work for three months. I slept most of those three months. I ended up getting into a group therapy program to deal with my issues and depression. The therapy program was four months long. Just like this past year, the therapy went by fast and slow at the same time. It was one of the best things I have ever done, but also one of the hardest. There were a lot of tears and a lot of anger. A lot of uncomfortable, awkward moments. I told my Sister, Brother, Mom and Dad that I'm HIV positive. I went back to work, working part time. It's been an eventful, arduous year.
I have never been one to make New Year's Resolutions, but this year I decided I will. I was on UKPositiveLad's blog (http://www.ukpositivelad.com/blog/) and he inspired me to do some resolutions. I deserve to have a great year after everything I have been through. A great year isn't going to happen by sitting back. I need goals and need to proactively try and reach those goals. My New Year's Resolutions:
1) Be Physically Healthier:
This doesn't mean going on crash diets. This means eating healthier and finding activities I enjoy doing, instead of forcing myself to go to the gym. Currently I drink way to much Pop - I LOVE PEPSI!!!!! - and eat way too much fast food. Also these last few months, I haven't been active because I had undiagnosed Asthma. My Asthma was so bad it was making me sleep all the time and always short of breath. Now that I know I have Asthma and I am on an inhaler and I am slowly starting to feel better, it's time to get back in to being active. I also pledge to become active in a healthy way. What I mean by that is, not to overdo it. I am the type of person that goes big or goes home. I tend to overdo it. I go gung-ho and then get burnt out and go back to my old ways.
2) Be Mentally Healthier:
I've already started achieving this by going through that four month group therapy program last year. This year I would like to work on more positive thinking and expressing my feelings more. I am the type of person that holds everything in and then I end up taking it out on myself. If I am feeling angry or sad I am going to say so. If something is bothering me, I am going to let it out - in a healthy way.
3) Discover More About Myself:
I've spent so much of my life with no self worth, that I have never been comfortable with who am I. How can I be comfortable with who I am, when I don't know who I am in the first place? And how can I discover who I am, when I had no self worth? Thanks to the group therapy, I dealt with the issue of having no self worth. I'm not perfect, I still have my days where my lack of self-worth creeps in, but I also bounce back from it a lot quicker. I've always wanted to take singing and acting lessons, so I am going to look into that. I've also been teaching myself to draw and realized I'm not half bad, and would love to take some drawing lessons. (I will post a picture I drew of Daryl from The Walking Dead)
I am going to stop at three New Year's Resolutions, that way I can stay inline with not over doing it. I think three is a great start. I am excited for this year. I am a confident man and I am excited to find out more about myself!
I've been through a lot in the past year. I went through a bout of major depression. It was so bad I was off of work for three months. I slept most of those three months. I ended up getting into a group therapy program to deal with my issues and depression. The therapy program was four months long. Just like this past year, the therapy went by fast and slow at the same time. It was one of the best things I have ever done, but also one of the hardest. There were a lot of tears and a lot of anger. A lot of uncomfortable, awkward moments. I told my Sister, Brother, Mom and Dad that I'm HIV positive. I went back to work, working part time. It's been an eventful, arduous year.
I have never been one to make New Year's Resolutions, but this year I decided I will. I was on UKPositiveLad's blog (http://www.ukpositivelad.com/blog/) and he inspired me to do some resolutions. I deserve to have a great year after everything I have been through. A great year isn't going to happen by sitting back. I need goals and need to proactively try and reach those goals. My New Year's Resolutions:
1) Be Physically Healthier:
This doesn't mean going on crash diets. This means eating healthier and finding activities I enjoy doing, instead of forcing myself to go to the gym. Currently I drink way to much Pop - I LOVE PEPSI!!!!! - and eat way too much fast food. Also these last few months, I haven't been active because I had undiagnosed Asthma. My Asthma was so bad it was making me sleep all the time and always short of breath. Now that I know I have Asthma and I am on an inhaler and I am slowly starting to feel better, it's time to get back in to being active. I also pledge to become active in a healthy way. What I mean by that is, not to overdo it. I am the type of person that goes big or goes home. I tend to overdo it. I go gung-ho and then get burnt out and go back to my old ways.
2) Be Mentally Healthier:
I've already started achieving this by going through that four month group therapy program last year. This year I would like to work on more positive thinking and expressing my feelings more. I am the type of person that holds everything in and then I end up taking it out on myself. If I am feeling angry or sad I am going to say so. If something is bothering me, I am going to let it out - in a healthy way.
3) Discover More About Myself:
I've spent so much of my life with no self worth, that I have never been comfortable with who am I. How can I be comfortable with who I am, when I don't know who I am in the first place? And how can I discover who I am, when I had no self worth? Thanks to the group therapy, I dealt with the issue of having no self worth. I'm not perfect, I still have my days where my lack of self-worth creeps in, but I also bounce back from it a lot quicker. I've always wanted to take singing and acting lessons, so I am going to look into that. I've also been teaching myself to draw and realized I'm not half bad, and would love to take some drawing lessons. (I will post a picture I drew of Daryl from The Walking Dead)
I am going to stop at three New Year's Resolutions, that way I can stay inline with not over doing it. I think three is a great start. I am excited for this year. I am a confident man and I am excited to find out more about myself!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)