The walls are supposed to be white, they look like
they haven't been cleaned in years. The chair I am sitting in is extremely
uncomfortable. A butt plug with spikes on it would be more comfortable in my
ass than this chair I am sitting in. Maybe these chairs are part of the
process, if they make you angry enough and you go postal they commit you. I am
sitting in the waiting room of the Psychiatry clinic at the hospital. I am here
for the assessment. Am I Bipolar? What if I am? It would explain my crazy mood
swings, but I don't go days on end with no sleep. I love sleep! Sometimes I
sleep for 16 hours. If I am sleeping I don't have to think about my horrible
life. If I am sleeping I don't feel the pain, the sadness. If I am sleeping I
don't have to think about the dark gloomy cloud hanging over me. If I am
sleeping, I can hide. It's 8:15 am, the assessment doesn't start until 8:30 am.
There are a few other people in the waiting room with me. One person in
particular stands out. I look over and in the corner sits a man, looks like he
is in his late twenties maybe early thirties. He looks exhausted, like he
hasn't slept in days. He has dark brown hair and his face is stubbly. He looks
miserable, I feel sad for him. 8:30 am finally rolls around and the receptionist
pulls back the beige partition that closes the receptionist desk. Looking at
the beige partition it just confirms that they haven't done any renovations
since 1985. The receptionist says anyone here for the assessment, please come
here and sign in. I leap out of my seat and rush to the receptionist desk. I
want my name to be first on the list, I want to be out of here as soon as
possible. She hands me a clipboard with papers to fill out. When I first called
the clinic they told me the assessment would take between 2-3 hours. Looking at
how many pages I fill out, I might be here all week. My anxiety is through the
roof. I sit back down and nervously wait for my name to be called. I start
filling out the paper work. My brain is running a mile a minute. Why am I
here I think to myself? Is that what they are going to ask me? I am here
because I am severely depressed all the time, I am stressed out, I have
anxiety, I can be super happy and hyper then go back into a deep depression.
But why? Why am I like this? I don't fucking know. I guess if I knew I wouldn't
be here. Jesus I'm crazy. I really wish I had a giant iced cappuccino right
now. When my anxiety is running through me I like to eat and drink unhealthy. I
sit in this torture chair and think to myself, I can run away. I don't have to
do this. What are they going to do? Probably just increase my anti-depressants.
Tell me it's all in my head.
Jared, please come with me I hear. Fuck it's now or
never. I stand up and look at the person who called my name. It's a man, he
looks nice, hair a little weird, probably in his 40's. Fuck it, I have nothing
to lose, I follow him. He takes me to his office and tells me to have a seat.
His office is depressing. It's small, it also looks like it is from 1985 and
the lighting is brutal. He says his name is Bob and he is one of the therapists
at the clinic. He starts off by asking what brings me here. I reply with I keep
going through bad bouts of depression. As the years go on the bouts get worse
and last longer. I went to my family doctor and told him I can go from being
super depressed to really hyper, happy with a positive outlook on life and that
it is mentally exhausting. I said my family doctor felt like that sounded like
Bipolar but he isn't an expert in that and advised I should see a psychiatrist.
Bob replied with do you go days on end without any sleep? I said no I don't,
but all my life I have always slept more that normal. I tell him when I was a
baby my Dad told me I slept so much that he would panic and wake me up to feed
me. Your not Bipolar if you don't go days on end without sleep, he says. He
proceeds to ask me many questions. I am pissed off that he dismissed the
Bipolar disorder so quickly. If I'm not Bipolar then what am I? There has to be
a reason, why I am like this?
He asks me what my childhood was like. I tell him I
was bullied a lot in school. He asks why I was bullied? I replied with I was a
dork and people liked to pick on me. Also people would say I'm weak and call me
a faggot. I mention that in gym class some of the boys would take my clothes
and soak them in the shower so I would have to walk around in my gym clothes
all day. He asks me are you gay? I said yes I am. He asks how do you handle
feeling depressed? I replied I normally would hide in my room and sleep. I will
sleep anywhere from 10 to 16 hours. When I am not sleeping, I will eat fast
food, drink pop, slurpees, iced capps. I will have sex, a lot of sex. He asks you
can be quite promiscuous? I said yes. He
asks, I see you put on the form you have HIV? Yes I do, I was diagnosed March
1st 2010. How has that been for you? he asks. It hasn't been easy, I say. I am
angry with myself for getting HIV. He asks me what I would like to get out of
therapy? I struggle to find an answer. I say I just want to be happy, I want to
learn coping mechanisms to deal with the depression, anxiety and stress. He
says do you know why you go into bad depressions? I said I don't know, I just
do. I hate life most of the time. He asks, have you heard of the saying, don't
cry over spilled milk? I reply yes. He asks me what does that mean to you?
Don't sweat the small things I say. He asks me have you heard of the saying the
river runs deep? Yes I say. He says I think with you, the river runs deep, very
deep. He mentions to me that they have a program, call the Evening Treatment
Program. It is a group therapy program, it is very intensive, it runs for 18
and a half weeks. It's requires quite a bit of commitment. It looks at your childhood
and how it's impacted you. Is this something you would be interested in doing?
I said yes if you think it can really help me. He said well let me talk to the
Psychiatrist and review your file with her and we will meet with you at 10:30
am? That’s about an hour and a half away so if you like, you can go grab
breakfast, just make sure you’re in the waiting room for 10:30 am. I said okay
sounds good. I walk out of the office, down the hallway and exit the
psychiatric clinic. I let out a huge sigh of relief. I say to myself, good job
Jared, I'm glad I did this. Even though I am glad I came here, my anxiety is
still through the roof.
I walk across the street to Tim Horton’s and get a
breakfast sandwich and a giant iced capp. I sit down and take my first sip of
the iced capp. The sugary, creamy, coffee flavour hits my tongue, slides down
my throat. Ahhhh so good. I'm nervous about meeting with the Psychiatrist. I've
never met with a Psychiatrist before; I have heard mixed reviews from people
about Psychiatrists. It seems sometimes you get someone who cares and sometimes
you just get a dick head. I really liked the Bob guy, he seemed like he really
cared. In the assessment he asked me if I wanted to stop being promiscuous and
have a committed relationship. I looked at him embarrassed and said yes, but
I'm too scared. Why would someone want to be with me if I am so messed up? I
sit in Tim Horton’s, drinking my iced capp, staring out the window, thinking
about my meeting with Bob. What the fuck has brought me here? Seriously, what
has happened that I get so depressed? Why does life have to be so fucking
hard?
It's time for me to meet with the Psychiatrist. My heart is ready to
jump out of my chest. I'm sitting in the waiting room, waiting for Bob. He
shows up and asks me to come with him. I walk behind him down the hallway. We
go around the corner and into the office. It's a woman Psychiatrist this
relives me. I prefer a woman to a man, except for Bob, there is something about
him that makes me feel instantly comfortable with him. The Psychiatrist
introduces herself and asks me to take a seat. I go to sit down and I fall into
the chair, holy crap this chair is low I say. She starts asking me some of the
same questions Bob asked me. Why am I here? What has been going on? What
happens when I feel depressed? She asks me about the stress at work and why I
am on Short Term Disability leave. She tells me that the 50 mg a day of Zoloft
I am on is a really low dose, that we should increase it to 100 mg a day. I am
fine with that I say. She tells me to take 75 mg a day for two weeks and then
100 mg a day going forward. She asks me how I found out about the
Psychiatric/Therapy clinic. I told her I had an appointment with my family
doctor, and how he thought maybe I was Bipolar and he mentioned there was walk
in clinics at the U of A and Royal Alex. So I researched it online, came across
the U of A one, called and then came in. She asks me questions to figure out if
I am Bipolar. She says the same thing as Bob, I don't go days on end with no
sleep so it doesn't sound like Bipolar. She agrees with Bob's recommendation,
that the Evening Treatment Program would be beneficial for me, to figure out
the core issues related to my depression and to work through the feelings. She
says she will forward my information to the Evening Treatment Team and they
will contact me to setup an appointment to meet with them. I leave the clinic
with my prescription of Zoloft and a follow up appointment with Bob next week.
I am scared but also looking forward to getting past this depression. I go home
exhausted and sleep for several hours.
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